


Substance of Things Hoped For, The

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-24
Updated: 2008-11-24
Packaged: 2019-05-15 04:28:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 41,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14783598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Josh tries to obtain balance between his job and his new relationship with Donna. The first three chapters of this series are from my standalone Outloud.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

AMY’S POV 

We’re walking along the street about a block from Josh’s apartment. We just finished a late dinner at the Hawk and Dove, and we’ve been silent for a while. I’ve been trying to figure out the reason for the silence for a while now. We didn’t fight. We didn’t disagree. We didn’t anything. It’s not even the comfortable silence that begins to take form in a relationship that...well, really, in one that’s as old as ours, come to think of it. We’ve been together for seven months now. Don’t you think we’d be able to comfortably share silence? But this feels like two people who are desperately trying to think of something to talk about. 

“Josh, what are you going to do after the election?” I ask. 

“Work in the White House, I hope.” he replies. 

“What if you don’t win though?” 

He was holding my hand, but now he drops it. He stops walking and looks at me. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean that.” I shrug. “If the President doesn’t keep the White House, what do you think you’ll do?” He brings his arms over his head and locks his hands on the back of his head and shrugs. “Do you think you’ll stay in Washington?” I prod. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. This has been one of my longer relationships, and I suppose I’m wondering how much longer it’s going to go. 

“I have no idea what we’re going to do.” he says. 

“Who’s we?” 

“Any of us.” he replies, but I don’t think that’s what he meant, and I certainly don’t think he meant he and I ‘we.’ 

I take a look at him now. It seems strange to me to see him dressed casually, in a t-shirt and jeans. I hardly ever see him like this. He’s either in a suit or naked. I like him in jeans though. He’s got a nice ass and these are well worn jeans. 

After seven months, we should be closer than this. We have a lot fun together, we have a lot of sex, we spar a lot. Politics always sneaks it’s way into our conversations. One of us usually tries to drop it when it starts hitting too close to home. Usually it works; sometimes it doesn’t. It’s impossible for it not to. Politics consumes us both, he’s the Deputy Chief of Staff for the White House, I’m a lobbyist. It’s who we are 24 hours a day. Together and apart. 

Lately, I’ve been wondering if I love him. I guess I don’t if I have to actually ask myself, but I think I could. I think if we keep on this course, I will. I do care about him. I know he cares about me, or according to Sam, he’s ensorcelled. But I also know he holds back. I haven’t really been able to figure out why that is. I don’t know much about Josh’s past, or his childhood, or his family. He’s not really a sharer like that. I don’t think he’s screwing around with someone else. He’s hit and run, but he’s not a player. He’s got more respect for me than that. I know I was a challenge for him and played hard to get, but I’m not just another notch in the bedpost. 

Something keeps him from being fully committed to this relationship...something or someone. He’s made no bones about it, the President comes first. He proved that with our non-trip to Tahiti. But I’m not sure that’s it either. 

I decide to test the waters. 

“Josh, don’t you think there should only be two people in a relationship?” I ask. 

He looks confused. God bless him, he genuinely looks confused. He drops his hands down to his waist and he’s squinting his eyes at me. He has absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. 

Before he can answer a car screeches to a stop on the street next to us, immediately drawing our attention. It’s CJ, Toby, and Sam. CJ’s driving. She’s got a `65 Mustang. It’s freaking gorgeous. The top’s actually down. Sam hops out and runs to the sidewalk where we’re standing. 

“Thank God we found you.” he says to Josh. “You have to come with us. Donna, Carol, and Ginger were in a car accident. They’re at GW. Apparently, it was a pretty bad one.” He tugs on Josh’s arm and the three of us squeeze in the back seat. 

I have absolutely no idea what compelled me to get in the car. I don’t know Ginger and Carol, and Donna I don’t know that well. I mean, I’ve been around her a few times, but it’s always been in a larger group, and she and I have never really chatted on our own. 

Josh is firing off a thousand questions and no one has any answers as CJ flies through the streets of DC. Josh keeps telling her to drive faster. I couldn’t even imagine what it would look like in the paper tomorrow if we got pulled over and it was discovered that the entire senior staff was in a car traveling like it was in a high speed chase. 

Josh pulls out his cell phone. I see him hit one and send on his phone, and I see ‘Donna cell’ scroll on the screen before he puts it to his ear. Huh. Donna’s number one on the speed dial. He’s number one on my speed dial. I have a feeling CJ’s number two. He always says CJ’s his first phone call, but apparently she’s really his second. I’m thinking Leo, Sam, and Toby come next, not necessarily in that order, then probably his mother. That makes me at least number seven. Huh. Nearly eight months of dating, and I’m number seven on the speed dial, and he’s number one on mine. Of course, he does order Chinese a lot. Maybe they’re number seven. I have to tell you, I have an assistant. I like her enough. We joke around at work. She’s a hard worker. Her number isn’t even saved in my cell contacts, much less in my top ten. 

“God dammit!” he swears snapping his phone shut. “It’s her fucking voice mail.” 

We pull up to the emergency room of GW and everyone hops out of the car. I briefly notice, as I grab Josh’s hand, that we’re parked in the ambulance bay. Oh sure, an ambulance could get in, but not two. That was awfully bold of the CJ. Must be nice to work for the White House...or maybe we’ll actually get a ticket. 

We blow through the doors and the nurses don’t look surprised to see us. We move right up to the desk and I immediately see why they aren’t surprised. Abbey Bartlet appears from the other side. “Josh.” she says immediately. “Come on, she’s in radiology.” Josh doesn’t even glance at me as he leaves my side and disappears with the First Lady. Toby, Sam, and CJ are looking for information on Ginger and Carol. They definitely seem concerned for their assistants, but Josh seems something else all together. I mean, Abbey didn’t single anybody else out. 

The other three senior staff members nod when the nurse says she’ll have a doctor come speak to them. They’re not frantic; they’re perfectly accepting of hospital policy. Only Josh seems to have circumvented it. The First Lady snatched him away and brought him to radiology, where I would assume Donna is. Why didn’t she just tell him, hey, Donna’s up getting x-rays and she’ll be back in a bit? Why did he actually have to go? 

A nurse brings us to a private waiting room. CJ, Sam, and Toby all looked freaked out at waiting in here. They seem to all move to specific spots, and it occurs to me that this is probably where they waited the night of the shooting. A doctor comes in and explains the current status of the patients. Ginger was driving, Carol was in the back seat behind Ginger, Donna was in the front in the passenger seat. The collision was a direct hit on Donna’s side. Ginger and Carol are banged up a bit, but it doesn’t sound too bad. It sounds like Donna was a whole different story. A broken right leg, a serious laceration to her head where the glass came down, a broken collar bone, and possible internal bleeding. She’s being checked for the bleeding now. Things are touch and go until the results are back, which will be shortly. She’s being brought back down now, and I assume Josh is with her. 

The doctor leaves and everyone exchanges looks. Well, three of us are exchanging knowing looks, and I’m definitely not one of those three. There’s certainly a vibe happening now. 

“Touch and go sounds...bad.” Sam says. 

“He can’t lose her.” CJ says quietly. “He just can’t, it’ll destroy him.” 

“CJ.” Toby says in his normal hard to read voice. When she makes eye contact with him, he glances in my direction. It’s becoming clear who the third person in the relationship is, and why the rumors about Josh dating Donna probably started in the first place. 

“It’s all right.” I say. “They work together; I’m not surprised he’d be upset.” Yeah, I don’t really believe that either. 

“Sorry, Amy.” Sam apologizes. “It’s just...they’re close.” 

“Yeah.” I nod. The door opens and Josh enters. Wow. He looks like shit. CJ moves right for him, and they embrace, and stay there. They’ve gone way past the allotted time for the comforting friend hug, and now I’m left wondering just how close Josh and Donna really are. Josh is facing me in the hug, and though he’s got his eyes closed, I can tell he’s been crying. CJ whispered something to him I didn’t hear and he smiles slightly and nods. When they break apart, Toby and Sam stand up. 

“What’s going on?” Sam asks. 

“They just brought her back down.” Josh says wiping his eyes with the palms of his hands. 

“Do they have the results of the tests yet?” Sam asks. Josh finally meets my eyes and holds my gaze for a long moment. For the life of me, I have no idea what he’s thinking, but I’ve never seen him look at me that intensely. A whole thing went on in his head there, I could see it. 

“No.” he says quietly. 

“She’ll be fine, Josh.” Toby says. “She’s tough.” 

“Yeah.” he says breaking my gaze. 

“Is she conscious?” I ask. All eyes in the room move to me. Yeah. Remember me, guys? I’m here, too. 

“No.” he says flatly. He looks back to CJ. “I’m going to go back there. Abbey’s going back to the White House.” 

“What was she doing here?” CJ asks him. 

“I have no idea.” he shrugs walking to the door and speaking over his shoulder. “I want to be there when Donna wakes up though.” 

He disappears and I’m left with the other three. It’s a little awkward. My boyfriend just blatantly went to another woman’s bedside. I don’t care how close they are, unless it’s the man’s mother, that just doesn’t seem right. 

“Okay.” Toby says finally. “Let’s just check on Carol and Ginger and then head back. Amy, can we give you a ride?” 

“Yeah.” I say. I mean, really, what am I going to do? Wait for Josh to wait for Donna to wake up? This makes sense? “I’m just going to see if he needs anything.” Toby nods, Sam shrugs and CJ’s eyebrows shoot up her forehead. I know that look. It’s the don’t do it, sister, there’s nothing back there but pain. She doesn’t say anything though. Of course not. Her loyalty isn’t to me, it’s to Josh. Nobody hugs a man in front of his girlfriend for that long. It seems that Josh isn’t only close with Donna. 

I head out of the room and start wandering around the ER looking for the exam room Donna’s in, a nurse finally points it out for me. I push the curtain aside and am greeted by a heartbreaking scene. It would be heartbreaking to anyone, quite frankly, but it’s more so to me, since it’s my boyfriend. Or was my boyfriend. I’m not really sure he’s mine anymore...if he ever really was. 

Donna looks a mess. She’s splinted, bandaged, pale and unconscious. He’s sitting next to her on the left side of the bed, her uninjured side and his back is to me. He’s hunched forward with this head resting on her shoulder. 

It’s clear to me now how long this relationship will last. It only can last until this administration is out of office. I’m not the long term; I’m the short term. Close or not, NOBODY is like this with their assistant or best friend. I have a best friend. This is not the way you’d find me at her bedside. There’s perfectly sturdy chairs in this little room. 

“Josh?” I ask softly. He looks up at me and straightens up. I see that he’s holding her hand in his lap. In that one unguarded moment, one where I think he originally thought I was maybe CJ for a second, the pain was apparent. It’s gone now. Sam says he has a terrible poker face, maybe while actually playing poker he does, but this man is very good at hiding things. Very good. I’m now starting to think that I’M the third person in a relationship. I think a different man would have the good sense to look guilty right now. Not Josh. 

“We’re going to head out.” I continue. “Do you need me to bring you anything?” 

He shakes his head and looks down at the hand in his lap. “No.” he chokes out. 

“Do you want me to stay with you?” I really don’t want him to say yes, but he’s my boyfriend, and we’re supposed to care about each other, and he’s hurting right now. 

“No.” he says again, this time softer. He looks up at me now. “I’m sorry.” he says. I’m not really sure what he’s apologizing for. Apologizing because I went from a night of probable sex to waiting in an ER; apologizing for being caught in an intimate moment with another woman, albeit an unconscious one; apologizing because without words, I think he just ended our relationship? 

Voltaire said that “faith is believing when it is beyond reason to believe.” He has faith in her. The only other person I know Josh has faith in is the President, and maybe Leo. Real love, true love is neither physical, nor romantic. It is an acceptance of each other, what is, can be, and has been. There is nothing left for us here. He tried. He really did. But he couldn’t commit to a relationship when he was already committed to another. It’ll be interesting to see where they go from here. They have at least one year left, possibly five. I wonder if they’ll make it. 

TBC


	2. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

JOSH’S POV 

Amy just left and I’ve been outed. Well, outed to her anyway. CJ saw this last year. She’s never out and out called me on it, well, she did just before, but before tonight, she just gave me her look. You know the one. The don’t-do-something-so-stupid-it-ends-up-in-my-press-room-look. She figured me and Donna out after the shooting. Yeah, we were pretty transparent then. I mean, Donna was like a Nazi. Toby called her the sphincter police. I tried to get her to tone it down, but was ridiculously unsuccessful. I think the only way I would have been successful was if I actually said, “Donna, cut it out or everyone will know you’re in love with me.” We can’t say things like that. We can’t ever say them out loud. At least not right now. We can’t be together. We can love each other, but we can’t be together. 

I’ll be honest with you. I thought we were going to love each other and not have sex with other people. Apparently that wasn’t the case. Ainsley set her up with Cliff Calley. Ainsley’s sweet. I swear I like her, even though she’s a Republican, but with that move, it took weeks for Sam to convince me that she wasn’t trying to undo us from within. So when I saw Amy again, I just thought, I don’t know, if she’s going to do it, why can’t I? Problem is, I started to like spending time with Amy. She’s smart, she’s pretty, she’s a player in the party. I mean, what wasn’t to like? She was a friend...a friend with benefits. Was I ever going to marry Amy? No. Never. But I’m a man, for crying out loud, and if the woman I love is going to have sex with another man, and a Republican, to boot, then so am I. Though I picked a Democrat. I mean, even I draw the line somewhere. I needed something to numb the pain there. The last time I decided to use conventional methods of numbing the pain, I put my hand through a window and Donna freaked. 

Donna cracks me up. She really does. When I say she’s the light o f my life, I mean it. She’s the funniest person I know; she’s the sweetest person I know; and she’s the most compassionate person I know. She’s got such a big influence over me that I deluded myself into thinking everyone from Wisconsin was like her. Let me just say, that was bad. I had a meeting a few months ago with a senator from Wisconsin. I went into the meeting thinking things were going to go my way because he was from Wisconsin and people from Wisconsin were like Donna. Nooo, no, no, no. That guy was an asshole. 

I haven’t gotten any better with handling stress. At least not emotional stress. So, you understand how something like this can send me out into the stratosphere. She can’t be pulling shit like this now. I can’t love her the way she needs to be loved right now. And I want to. I really, really want to. I want to pull her broken body into my arms and make it all right. Don’t get me wrong. I’m hugging the shit out of her once I can do it without hurting her. 

See, Mrs. Bartlet and CJ said the same thing to me. “Take care of her.” Well, CJ said, “YOU’LL take care of her,” but it was the same message. That’s the unofficial wink-wink, nod-nod. The unofficial go ahead not to propel myself across the line, but to tip toe across it just a little bit. She did it with me, now I’m going to do it with her. 

I just need her to wake up. I mean, what the hell already? I’m not a patient man. Well, she waited for me for 14 hours of surgery and 3 hours in post-op. I suppose I could give her a little more time here. I’ve only been here about an hour now. 

I think I should have been a little more fair to Amy. When she asked me if I was dating my assistant, I should have elaborated there a little bit. I probably should have said, “no, I’m not dating my assistant, but I am, however, in love with her.” But you can’t say that to people in this town. They don’t get it. You know, I’m not sure anyone in any sort of professional arena would get that. I can’t put that information out there. People will use Donna to get to me. Some already do. One senator’s aid actually took her to dinner twice before trying to casually mention that they should double date with me and whoever I was seeing. It was a senator who was looking for support on a bill he was sponsoring. Let’s just say he didn’t get it. And what happened to the pursuer of Donna? I don’t think he’s had many dates lately since a rumor about an unfortunate rash he had went around. Let the word ring forth, stay the hell away from my girl. 

Every now and then, we review why we’re a bad idea. Correction: not why WE’RE a bad idea, why we’re a PR nightmare. I’ve considered trying to convince her to transfer. She mentioned while I was recovering that I’d fall apart without her, and I’m doing something important and I can’t do it without her. She’s got a twisted sense of logic, she really does. And I fall for it sometimes, too. Like with this. She’s made her career being devoted to my career and that should be bad. It should be dysfunctional. I guess it is. But she figures if I’m working 18 hour days, what’s the point to her working anywhere else, we’d never see each other anyway. Is sex with each other a couple of times of week, if we’re lucky, really worth the amount of time we spend together now? See, the thing is, I kind of think it is. But she’s got her Donna logic, and she doesn’t think we’re ready. 

Maybe we weren’t before. But I’m sitting on her bed, clutching her hand to my chest, willing her eyes to open and her body to heal, not caring that I did it in front of my girlfriend, and the First Lady of the United States. If that’s not a sign of being ready, then I don’t really know what else is. She’s not going to see it that way. She’s going to be pissed off that I outed us to the others. Of course, she’ll have to admit to what I outed, and that’s really breaking cardinal rule number one. Because while we know, like I said, we haven’t said it out loud. 

Are you even following me anymore? 

She shifts in the bed, and I snap my eyes up to her face. “Donna.” I say quietly, running a finger down her cheek. She winces, but I don’t think from me. The point is, she’s responding. “Donna, open your eyes. It’s okay.” I continue to coax her for another minute as I watch her swim towards the surface. Her eyes finally flutter open and I let out a long breath. 

“What happened?” she whispers. 

“Car accident.” 

“Carol and Ginger?” 

“They’re okay. You took the brunt of it.”   
“Good.” 

“Not from where I’m sitting.” 

“You’re saying you wish this on one of them?” 

“I’m saying I don’t wish it for you.” 

“Weren’t you out with Amy?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Where is she?” 

“I don’t know.” She’s going to ask about Amy now? This is her first priority? 

“Why does my body hurt so much?” 

“You broke, like, everything.” I reply. 

“Everything?” 

“Your leg and your collarbone.” 

“That’s not everything.” 

“Technically, no.” 

“Feels like it.” 

“I’m sure it does.” I say softly and brush some hair off the bandage on her forehead. 

“Sorry I ruined your night.” 

“Knock it off.” 

“No. You were on a date.” 

“Not anymore.” 

“You want to go back to it?” 

“That head injury is affecting your thinking.”   
“Josh.” 

“Donna.” 

“You should go back to her.” 

“I’m where I want to be.” 

“Why?” 

“You know why.” 

“Why?” 

“I’m not saying it out loud.” 

“So, we’re back to this then?” she asks. 

“Yes. And I’m making up new rules, too. I let you call the shots and you fucked everything up.” I announce indignantly. 

“Is that a fact?” 

“It is.” 

“You’re making up rules?” 

“Yes.” 

“I’m being punished.” 

“No. I’m taking over.” 

“I am being punished. You’re taking advantage of my weakened condition.” 

“Yes. I am. I’m a politician. It’s my job to exploit people’s weaknesses.” 

She smiles at me, and then winces a bit. I think it hurts her head to smile. I smile back. I lean down and gently kiss her forehead, then continue brushing aside her hair. 

“What’s the first rule?” 

“Um...I don’t know if it’s really a rule. As soon as I can spring you, you’re going to stay at my place for a while.”   
“What? Why?” she demands. Well, I would have thought that would have gone over a little better. 

“Because your roommate has those cats and they’ll jump on you and hurt you.” I say. “And it’s my turn to take care of you. I have a bigger bed, my place is closer to the White House, and in a safer neighborhood anyway.” 

“Is it closer to the unemployment office?” she counters. “We’ll be spending a lot of time there.” 

“No we won’t.” 

“Yeah, we will.” 

“We didn’t the first time.” 

“They won’t be happy with a repeat performance.” 

“You could at least humor me here, Donna.” I snap. “I got the shit scared out of me tonight. They told me you were touch and go. I thought you were going to die and I wasn’t going to get to say it out loud.” 

“Are you saying it out loud now?” 

“I’m saying out loud that I want to be able to say it out loud.” 

“Okay. I need a moment to catch up.” she says. 

“Amy and I are done.” I say. “At least, I’m pretty sure. This was a bit of a wake up call for everyone. One of the rules I’m proposing is we don’t see anybody.” 

“We can’t date each other, and you don’t want us to date anybody else?” 

It sounds ridiculous, I know, but I nod my head vigorously anyway. 

“This makes sense to you?” 

“No. But I’m saying it anyway.” 

“This is your fear talking, Josh.” 

“I know.” 

“I’m a woman with needs. You’re telling me you want me to agree to not have sex for one to five years?” She asks. “The years, I might add, where I’m supposed to be entering my sexual prime?”   
“Maybe you can not put it that way.” 

“I’m putting it into perspective.” she counters. “Maybe we can have a secret affair.” 

I consider that for a second. God help me, I actually consider it. “Secrets in this administration don’t tend to stay that way.” 

“Shit.” she frowns. 

“What?” 

“Your rare valid point.” I smile as she throws my words back at me. “You think we’ll get fired?” 

“No. I think we’ll get separated.” 

“You want to maintain the status quo.” 

“I don’t want to, no.” I don’t want to. I want to kiss her and tell her I love her. Out loud. I want to marry her and have children with her. I don’t want to work in the White House anymore. 

Except I do. I’ve always wanted to work in the White House. 

“I’m sorry I failed you.” I say softly. Her eyes snap up to mine. Whatever she was expecting me to say, it wasn’t that. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I should have figured this out.” I explain. “I should have figured out a way for us.” 

“You did. This is it.” 

“This isn’t good enough.” 

“It’ll have to be.” she smiles. “I’ll wait for you. I won’t fall in love with anyone else.” 

“Are you saying it out loud?” 

“I’m saying out loud that I want to say it out loud.” she smiles. 

Something you may not know about Donnatella...her smile can light the room on fire. I can certainly feel it in my chest that’s for sure. That smile’s just for me. I mean, she smiles for other people, too, but this smile is radiating. This smile gets me to do anything she wants. And what the smile won’t get me to do, the tears will. Since the day she’s met me, she’s played me like a Maestro and expertly guided me where I need to be. She’s never too far away. My heart breaks in two as I see the love I have for her reflecting in her eyes. Pseudo-declarations were made tonight, and I’m now counting down the minutes until I can say the real thing out loud. 

TBC


	3. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

~JOSH’S POV~ 

My day is good. My day is great. What’s the reason for my unusually chippy mood? 

As usual, it’s my Donnatella. She gets sprung from the hospital today. AND she’s coming home with me until she’s in the clear for her injuries and able to maneuver around on her own. Ordinarily, I think my co-workers would view this as a bad idea. But, I think after witnessing my utter meltdown of the other night, they’d rather not chance it. 

As I walk through the hospital towards Donna’s room, no one stops me or says a word. They’re just going about their jobs. But, what I find in Donna’s room stops me in my tracks. I’m so thrown, I walk about out to check the room number. 

312\. Yeah, okay. This is Donna’s room. She should be in the bed by the window. I look back over to the bed and there’s some old lady there. 

Did she get released and I maybe missed her in the lobby? I head back out to the nurses station. 

“Can I help you?” a nurse behind the desk asks. 

“Donna Moss isn’t in her room anymore.” I say hooking my thumb over my shoulder. “Was she already released?” 

“Donna Moss has been moved.” the nurse replies. 

“To?” 

“Intensive care.” the nurse replies. 

To say I’m stunned by this news I think might be an understatement. How is this possible? 

“I don’t understand.” I say. 

“She developed a very high fever overnight and we moved her up to ICU.” 

“I’m supposed to be taking her home this morning.” 

“I don’t think she’ll be released today, sir.” the nurse replies. “ICU is on the third floor. Head up there and they can give you more information.” 

I stare at her in shock for a moment before turning and tearing off for the elevators. ICU? How is that possible? She was supposed to be coming home. What the hell is going on? 

When I reach the third floor and the doors open, I follow the signs very quickly to the intensive care unit. My breathing has picked up, and I’m not sure it has anything to do with my moving faster. I bust into ICU and right up to the nurses station, which is right in the middle of ward. 

“I’m looking for Donna Moss.” I say quickly. 

“Josh?” calls a familiar voice from a hospital bay. 

My head snaps up and in the direction of the voice. It’s the First Lady. How did I miss the secret service? I run over to her, all of 12 feet that it is, and I move past the curtain to see Donna asleep in the bed. There’s machines everywhere. I know these machines. I hate these machines. 

“Abbey, what the hell is going on?” I demand. I notice raised eyebrows of the nurses nearby. I think in this situation, protocol can pretty much kiss my ass. The last time I was here, I was a patient. It wasn’t that long ago. Some of these nurses may even remember me. 

“Donna spiked a fever last night.” Abbey says, she gently guides me over to a chair by Donna’s bed and eases me down into it. She’s no dummy; she knows how to handle me. I pick up Donna’s hand and Abbey rubs my shoulder and continues her explanation. “She had an elevated heart rate, what’s called tachycardia, and initial blood tests show that she had elevated white blood cells.” 

“What are you saying?” I ask stroking Donna’s hand and trying to take in what’s happening. 

“She’s been diagnosed with an early stage of sepsis.” She says carefully, and I think my breathing just shut down. “It’s --” 

“A blood infection.” I cut her off. “They were afraid I’d get it.” 

“Yes, we were.” Abbey says gently. “Very afraid.” 

“How did she get that?” I don’t understand. I think my brain is going to shut down next. 

“Well, given her injuries, it’s not uncommon.” 

“She was supposed to be released today.” 

“Thank God it manifested itself before that, Josh.” 

“What are you doing here?” I ask her finally. I mean, how does she keep popping up here? 

“I asked her doctor to keep me updated as to her condition. I got the phone call about half an hour ago on my way back to the White House.” 

I blink my eyes a few times in a poor attempt to keep them from tearing up and look up at the First Lady in confusion. 

“I’ve always had a soft spot for Donna, Josh.” Abby smiles. “She’s so genuine and compassionate. You’re insufferable, Joshua, but before Donna joined the campaign, you were interminably insufferable, you know what I mean? CJ, Sam, Toby, Leo, hell, the President even, can’t get you to budge when your mind is set on something, but Donna...” Abby pauses and smiles affectionately at Donna lying in the bed. “Donna sweeps in with such bravado, crooks her little finger at you and gets Marcus Aquino on a stamp. Hell, if you actually had control over it, she probably would have gotten Molly Morello day.” 

“Sepsis is very serious, Josh.” Abby says dropping the volume of her voice like she doesn’t want Donna, who, incidentally is unconscious, to hear her. 

“I know.” I say dropping my forehead onto my hand where it’s linked with Donna’s. 

“She’s on an aggressive course of anti-biotics...” 

“She was supposed to get released today.” I say again. 

“Complications happen.” 

“Especially to me.” 

“You’re her medical power of attorney, Josh.” 

“Yeah, and nobody called me last night.” 

“When I got the phone call first, Josh, I asked them not to call you.” 

“Why?” I whisper hoarsely looking up at her. 

“Because I wanted to be here when you found out, and I wanted to have as many answers as I could for you. You would have just called me anyway.” 

This is true. Some doctor here would have started spewing information at me and my brain would have fizzled out on me for sure. Abbey knows how to handle me. She knows how to explain things so I won’t freak....well, so I’ll freak out marginally less. 

I scoot my chair closer to the bed and wrap my arms around our joined hands and cover them with my head. How could all this happen to her? All she did was go out with Ginger and Carol, who are pretty much fine. That’s it. They weren’t drinking. They weren’t driving fast. And Donna was awake and fine yesterday. 

I squint my eyes tightly shut and shake with the effort to keep from screaming. 

“I’ll call Leo and the President, Josh.” Abbey says softly. “You stay here with Donna.” Like I was going anywhere else. She leaves my side, and I turn my head and look up at Donna’s face. 

What the hell happened, Donna? You were supposed to come home with me today. You were going to stay with me, and I was going to take care of you, and CJ and Toby and Sam were going to be pissed about it. But, it was going to be all right because you were going to be there to fight them off with me. 

I’m disgusted with myself when I realize that I’m annoyed with her. How can I be pissed off at her? It’s not her fault she’s in the hospital. It’s not her fault that for the second time in a week, I got the shit scared out of me. 

I wrack my brain for all the information that my mom, Donna, and Abbey told me about sepsis when I was here. Donna was very upset; Abbey was very clinical. I know they explained a lot of things to me, but only one thing is sticking out in my mind. 

People die from it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

~CJ’S POV~ 

I gently push the curtain aside and take in the scene before me. It’s heartbreaking to be sure, but relatively familiar since I saw something almost identical to it last week. Donna’s unconscious in the bed. Josh is....well, Josh is a mess. His feet are propped up on the bed, his forearms are resting on his knees and his mouth is pressed against his forearms. He’s staring at her, like he’s willing her to get better. He probably is. 

“Josh?” I ask quietly. 

“What?” His voice sounds disconnected and empty. 

“Has there been any change?” 

“No.” 

“I brought you food.” 

I put a bag on the table next to Donna’s bed and he doesn’t even look over. “I’m not hungry.” 

“I know, but I brought it anyway.” I reply. “I don’t want to get in trouble with Donna when she wakes up and finds out that I let you take crappy care of yourself.” 

He doesn’t answer me, just continues to stare at her. It’s sort of unnerving. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look at anything so intensely before. 

This is going to be a problem. But, it was also an inevitable problem. Leave it to Josh to actually fall in love with his assistant. At least I saw this coming though. I saw this when Toby told Donna Josh was shot. As soon as I saw his words sink in with her, I knew this was coming one day. 

I wish I could be strong enough to tell him that he can’t see her outside of work; that they can’t be together, but I just can’t. I’m a woman, and while I may not be considered especially girly and I’m a bit more progressive than most women that work in the White House right now, they just love each other so much, and it’s just not possible to say no to that. At least it’s not possible for me. And so, I know that I’ll argue with Leo and come down on their side. I don’t know what I’ll say, but it’ll be in their favor. 

They have to be allowed to be together. He lived for her. He got better for her. He listens to her. He revolves around her. She lights him up. If she’s around, he’s in a good mood. Josh and Sam have always been like brothers to me. Toby...well, I don’t know what Toby’s been like. He’s been a friend and someone I greatly respect. But, Josh and Sam have been different, and I think more so Josh, given what he’s been through. 

He deserves Donna. He deserves someone like her, who loves him and isn’t a shrew; someone who doesn’t want to go out with him because of where he works. And she’s so good...a little devious at times, but still good. He doesn’t like to disappoint her. And forget it, you don’t want to know what it’s like when she thinks she let him down. 

“Have they talked to you anymore about what’s going on?” I ask softly. 

“Not really.” He says, and slowly drops his legs. He leans forward and props his elbows on the bed and his chin on his hands. There’s a long stretch of silence as I move to a chair on the other side of the bed. Josh drops a hand to Donna’s leg and rubs his chin with the other one. 

He finally looks at me. 

“She could die, CJ.” he says simply and directly. 

“You can’t think like that, Josh.” I say quickly. 

“I know, but it’s all I CAN think about, CJ.” he says. He lays his head down on her uninjured leg and looks up at her. “This kind of thing can turn on a dime. She can go into septic shock, which would be quickly followed by organ failure...” 

“Josh, stop.” I insist. 

“She’s got a high fever.” 

“Josh!” I’m so forceful, I see nurses turn their heads to us, but Josh looks over at me. “Stop it, Josh. You’ve got to keep the faith.” 

“Faith? What the hell is faith?” he replied. 

“Faith is believing when it is beyond reason to believe.” I say. 

“I’ve heard that before.” 

“Voltaire said it.” 

“I don’t need faith. I need science.” he shoots back. 

“No, you need faith.” I argue. “She had faith in you, Josh. She never lost it, not once. She still does. She believes in you.” 

I see his eyes well up with tears and he drops his head back to her leg. “God, what am I going to do if I lose her?” he sobs against her, and now I find that I’m crying, too. 

I quickly move around the bed and pull him off of Donna. It’s no easy feat, trust me. When I finally pry him lose, he latches on to me instead. Heedless of the hospital staff, he comes apart in my arms. 

I’ve never seen Josh cry. Not even when I saw him in unspeakable pain, did I see him cry. The very idea of losing Donna has him crumbling before me. I make a mental note to talk to Leo when I get back to the White House. Maybe Josh can talk to that guy again. I think he needs someone more qualified than any of us. 

“I’m sorry.” he says, abruptly untangling himself. 

“It’s okay, Josh.” I say softly. “Anytime you need a shoulder, I’m here.” 

He drops back down into his seat and picks up her hand. “I’m sorry, CJ.” He apologizes softly. “I just... I just can’t imagine my life without her, you know?” He looks up at me and there’s so much unguarded pain that my hand covers my heart in reaction. 

“I do know, Josh. I see the same thing in your eyes that I saw in hers.” 

“I shouldn’t be talking to you about this.” he says breaking eye contact. 

“I’m your friend.” 

“You’re also the press secretary and a member of the senior staff.” he reminds me. I think he’s moving to familiar ground here now, something his brain might be able to function on. “She’s my assistant.” 

“She’s the woman you love, Josh.” I counter. “We all can see it. You’re right. I am the press secretary. So, let me do my job. Let me be your friend, and let me get your back. Focus on her, Josh, and helping her get better.” 

He looks up at me one more time and his words chill me to the bone. “If I lose her, CJ,” he says in a low, even voice. “I’ll die.” 

TBC


	4. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

JOSH’S POV 

I’m freaking people out, I know I am. CJ practically ran screaming out of here with her hair on fire. I can’t help it. I don’t deal well with stuff like this. I’m not as strong as Donna is. Donna always finds the hope, I never do. I have bad luck with the people I love. Donna coming into my life was a miracle, and now I’m screwed because you probably only get a handful of miracles in your life and I’m thinking I’ve used mine up. So that’s why I don’t have faith anymore. I need to fall back on science. 

It wouldn’t matter anyway. I lost my faith a long time ago. It seems kind of petty to try and find it now. Now that I need something, I’m going to suddenly talk to God? You don’t think he’ll see through that? Besides, there’s plenty of people praying for Donna right now. So, I’m putting my eggs in the science basket. 

Last night was particularly rough. Donna started having delusions. The nursing staff didn’t think anything of it. She was talking about all sorts of crazy things. She apologized to me for being late, then went on and had a whole conversation about the calorie count of the muffins in the mess. I actually think she was having that conversation with Margaret. It didn’t matter to me though. I was just happy to hear her voice. I talked to her anyway, just in case she could hear me. I read somewhere that just because people are unconscious, doesn’t mean they can’t hear you. Donna said she used to talk to me all the time, and read to me. I’m here to tell you, I don’t remember any of it. But, Donna’s a little creepy sometimes. It might work with her. 

She stopped talking a while ago though. So far, it seems like the antibiotics are doing okay, but it’s only been 24 hours, so they don’t really know yet. I rest my head down on the bed. I’m so incredibly exhausted, but I don’t think I could sleep right now even if I was sedated, and don’t think Dr. Bartlet hasn’t threatened that a few times. She stopped by earlier, and I choked down the food CJ brought for fear that in lieu of me eating, Dr. Bartlet would start an IV in my arm. 

“You must be Josh.” 

My head pops up and I’m stunned at the man and woman before me. There’s no mistaking they’re Donna’s parents. 

“Mr. and Mrs. Moss?” I croak. 

“You’re Josh?” Donna’s mother smiles. 

“How’d you know?” 

“Wild guess.” she smiles. 

“Don’t listen to her.” Donna’s father says, extending his hand to me. “We’ve seen you on t.v. and Donna’s emailed us pictures.” I shake her father’s hand, but her mother hugs me. A nurse brings in another chair so all three of us can sit. Donna’s only supposed to have two visitors at time, not that she notices, but I’m not sure I’m actually considered a visitor anymore, so much as a fixture. I’ve been here since I showed up to take her home. That was over 24 hours ago. Besides, the First Lady keeps popping in and out. I don’t think anyone here wants to piss her off. 

“Did you talk to her doctor?” I ask in a hoarse voice, as we all sit back down. 

“We talked to the First Lady.” Lynn Moss says. “That’s kind of surreal.” 

“I know. Donna’s going to be mortified when she finds out the level of attention Abbey Bartlet is paying to her right now.” 

“Donna likes the First Lady.” Lynn frowns. 

“Donna adores the First Lady, and the First Lady adores Donna.” I correct. “But there’s protocol involved and we make a fuss over the First Lady, she doesn’t do it for us.” 

“Hmm... I wouldn’t have thought that about her.” Lynn says shaking her head. 

“Because she’s not like that.” I say. “She sees us as an extension of her family and treats us all that way. She really, really likes your daughter....everyone does.” 

“Dr. Bartlet says you’ve been here for almost two days.” Bob Moss says, eyeing me up. Okay. I’m in uncharted territory right now. What do I say? What has Donna said to them about me? About us? My mother sees right through me and Donna talks to my mother frequently. I don’t talk to Donna’s parents. I’ve heard all about them, and I know they’ve heard all about me. 

“Um...yeah.” I say lamely. “I’m her medical power of attorney.” Now I really feel uncomfortable. 

“Well, yes, we were surprised when Donna told us she was doing that.” 

“Well, I’m in Washington...” I trail off. 

“Josh,” Lynn interrupts sympathetically. “we’re not in your press room. No boss parks himself at his assistant’s bedside like this.” 

“Well, she’s my friend, too.” 

“Uh-huh.” Lynn says unconvinced. 

“Sounds stupid to me, too.” I chuckle, then drop my head into my hands. 

“We thought her feelings were one-sided.” Lynn says. 

“They’re not.” I say from my hands. “And before you ask, I don’t know what that means for our jobs.” 

“We weren’t going to ask.” Bob says. “That does explain why she doesn’t get back to Wisconsin that much.” 

“In her defense, I don’t get home to see my mother that much either. And the President orders his family to him.” I reply picking up my head. 

“It’s all right, Josh.” Lynn smiles. “We’re the only people we know that can say our daughter works in the White House.” 

“And she says it a lot.” Bob says with a slight groan, hooking his finger in his wife’s direction. 

“You should hear my mother brag about me.” I chuckle. 

“I would imagine she sounds a lot like Donna.” Lynn says quietly and gives me a knowing smile. I think I just blushed all the way down to my toes. 

“Well, I can’t do anything without your daughter.” I say looking back towards the bed. 

“Well, she doesn’t seem to think that’s true.” 

“It is.” I nod emphatically. “I can’t do anything without her. She’s invaluable to me. She’s so organized, and efficient, and kind, and funny, and on my ass about everything.” 

“We’re just glad she found someone that appreciates her.” Lynn smiles. 

“I do. I don’t know if I always tell her enough, but I do.” 

We sit there for a couple of minutes when I notice there are suitcases behind them. 

“Did you come right from the airport?” 

“Yes.” Lynn nodded. “We got a cab and came right here.” 

“Where are you staying?” 

“We haven’t gotten that far yet.” Lynn says sheepishly. “The First Lady gave us a number to call when we got here and she said one of her secretaries could make us reservations.” 

Finally! Something I can do. “No, no, no, no.” I say quickly hopping up and digging in my pocket for my keys, and quickly working off two of the rings. “This is my car key. It’s a silver Acura. Hit the alarm button when you get to the parking lot and it’ll identify itself for you. This is the key to Donna’s apartment. You probably know that she’s in between roommates right now, so there’s plenty of room there. I’d give you my key, but I’m sure her place is not only cleaner, but probably has food, too.” 

“Oh, Josh.” Lynn says. “You don’t have to do all this.” 

“What am I doing?” I shrug. “I’m letting you in to your daughter’s apartment and loaning you my car, which, quite frankly, you can plainly see I have no intentions of using any time soon. Plus, it has GPS, so it’ll easily get you anywhere you need to go.” Next, I fish in my pockets and pull out a business card. “This has all my numbers on it, though they won’t let me turn on my cell here.” I flip it over and write on the back with a pen from the table. “This is Margaret’s number. She’s Leo McGarry’s senior assistant. Call her if you need anything at all. She’ll have food delivered to Donna’s place for you and take care of anything else you need.” 

When I’m done, they’re looking at me in astonishment. What? Too much? But then Lynn starts to chuckle. 

“Where’s the President’s Pitbull that’s feared by all?” she laughs and I just shrug. “The guy that told the Christian Right that their God was being indicted for tax fraud?” 

“Or told a Senator to take his legislative agenda and shove it up his ass?” Bob jumps in arching a brow at me. 

“She told you that?” I groan and cast a glance over to the bed, where Donna is still, depressingly, unconscious. 

“She tells us everything.” Bob says. There’s something being conveyed in his look to me right now. I think when he says “everything,” he means EVERYTHING. I am both completely comforted by that information and truly mortified that her parents know so much about me. 

“Oh.” I squeak in reply. 

“Well, honey,” Lynn says to her husband. “Why don’t we go get settled then, and we’ll come back and bring dinner with us. Josh must be getting hungry.” 

“I’m fine.” I reply. 

“You’ll eat.” she glares at me. Damn, that particular look runs in that family. It’s just as effective from her as it is from Donna. I nod quickly in submission. It’s a natural reaction to that glare because if I resist, I know what comes next. Bob says thank you, and Lynn throws her arms around my neck and I hug her back. I’m a little sad to see them leave because they were a brief connection with Donna, but I know they’ll be coming back soon, and Donna will be happy I took care of them. 

When they disappear, I turn back to Donna. Her eyes are still closed. I sit down in her bed and pick up her hand, then brush some hair out of her face. For good measure, I lean down and press a kiss to her forehead. 

“Your mom and dad are here.” I whisper. “I hope you didn’t leave anything embarrassing out at your apartment because I sent them there.” I glance over at the machines as they continue to take their readings. I don’t know what any of it means, and so, I’m not comforted by anything I see there. “I think the cat’s out of the bag with them, Donna. They know how much I love you. Didn’t look like it came as too big of a shock. The problem is, Donna, is loving you this much is coming with a pretty high cost. You have to wake up soon. I know you’re sick, and it’s probably making you pretty tired, but wherever you are right now, it’s not a better place than here. It’s not, Donna. It’s not because I’m not there. And if you decide to stay there, I swear I’ll follow you because I don’t want to be where you’re not. And I don’t know how to be here without you. And when I get there, I’m pretty sure you’re going to be pissed, and I’d just as soon as save you all that aggravation, so you should just come back to me here.” 

The only answer to my speech is the quiet hum and beeps of the machines around her. 

TBC


	5. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

DONNA’S POV 

I can hear him speaking to me and he’s saying such amazing things. His voice is so soothing. It’s always been that way, even when he’s explaining the merits of a bill or Senate rules, his voice has the power to overtake me. 

He sounds very upset now though. 

I don’t like when he’s upset. Especially this upset. What the hell happened? 

“...and I’d just as soon as save you all that aggravation, so you should just come back to me here.” 

He’s not talking anymore. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was crying. But that’s ridiculous. When he was recovering from a gunshot wound, he didn’t cry. He did cry when his father died though. Oh my God! Somebody’s dead? Who’s dead? He sounds awful. He sounds like he needs me. 

“Josh.” 

I can’t get to him. Why can’t I get to him? He sounds like he’s right there. I feel something next to me. It’s him. Even in this darkness, I’d know him anywhere. 

“Donna.” 

“Josh.” 

I can feel his fingers on my cheek. 

“God, Donna, please wake up.” He’s still crying. What’s going on? 

My eyelids finally flutter open and the room goes in and out of focus. 

“There you are.” he smiles, but he’s been crying. 

“Josh.” I breathe out softly. 

“I can’t believe you’re awake.” He wipes his eyes. I want to kill whoever upset him this much. 

“What happened? What’s wrong?” 

“You got so sick.” He says. 

“Who’s dead?” 

“Dead?” he asks. “Well, for a little while, I was convinced you were. Donna, you’ve been unconscious for two days.” 

I’m confused. I’m very confused. I gingerly raise my hand and wave a finger between us. “This is for me?” 

“What?” 

“You’re so upset.” I say. “Because of me.” 

“Yes because of you!” he practically shouts. 

“Well, good morning!” chirps a nurse coming to my bed. “She phutzes with the machines around me and sticks something in my ear. I’ll call your doctor. Things look good. It looks like the fever broke.” 

“Fever?” I ask Josh. 

“You got really sick, Donna. You’re in ICU.” 

ICU!? 

“ICU?” I squeak. God, what this must be doing to him. “Are you all right?” 

“Am I?” he looks incredulous. 

“Last time you were here, you were a patient.” 

“Donna, I’m fine.” He says softly. He leans forward and kisses me, not on my forehead, but on my lips. That’s new. He rubs his thumb across my cheek and just for a moment, it feels like we’re an actual couple, like, he really loves me. 

“Josh, what is this?” I ask raising my hands to his cheeks, but he drops his forehead to mine and closes his eyes. 

“I love you so much, Donna, and I thought you were going to die.” 

I’m stunned by his words. He’s saying it out loud? I thought we weren’t supposed to do that. 

“Joshua.” I sigh. 

“I don’t care about anything else, Donna. I don’t. I need to be with you. All I knew is if you died, I’d follow.” 

“Josh, don’t talk like this.” 

He’s a mess! 

“Then don’t die.” he practically snaps. 

“Okay.” I nod. 

He picks his head up, but doesn’t move too far away. “Really?” 

“Yeah.” I nod, though now I sound as crazy as him. “Calm down, Joshua. I’m here. I’m not dead.” 

“How do you feel?” He finally seems to be pulling it together. 

“Not very good.” I confess. 

“It’s all right. You were really sick. Your parents are here.” 

“Oh my God. I was that sick?” Damn. No wonder he’s so upset. 

“You got an infection. They were afraid it was turning into sepsis, Donna. They started talking to me about organ failure and dialysis.” 

“Oh, Josh...” I remember how scared I was when they were afraid he was going to get it. When I found out what it was....well, I pretty much got like he is right now. 

“You’re not going to get rid of me that easily.” I smile. 

“I didn’t know what I was going to do.” he confesses. “I couldn’t get my mind off the unthinkable, but I couldn’t accept it either.” 

“Joshua, Joshua.” I say, trying to get his attention, but he’s still worked up. I finally gain it by grabbing is face in my hands again. “It’s all right now. You’ve got to get it together. All right?” He nods, but I know it’s going to be a little while before he fully calms down. But that’s okay because I love that he loves me this much. 

Wait a minute. 

“What?” He asks as he sees a smile creep across my face. 

“You said you love me..” 

“Come on, Donna, you knew that.” 

“You said it out loud.” 

“I did.” he grins back. 

“We crossed the line.” 

“Yeah.” He grins wiping his eyes and taking a deep breath. 

“You have no idea what that’s going to mean for work, do you?” 

“Nope.” he admits. “But on the other hand, I don’t particularly care either. I thought it was so important, Donna, but it’s not. Do you care?” 

“Not particularly.” I reply. 

“See?” 

“Hey, Josh?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I love you, too.” 

I’ve seen Josh grin big before, but never like this. I suddenly feel like I can hop out of this bed and run laps around the ICU, but then he kisses me again, and I think I was wrong. I feel like I could fly. 

TBC


	6. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

DONNA’S POV 

“Well, you’re certainly a sight for sore eyes.” 

I snap my head up at the sound of the familiar voice. “CJ!” 

“Hey, pal o’ mine. You’re looking a lot better.” CJ enters the room with a smile and drops her bag down on the floor by a chair. “How are you feeling?” 

“So much better.” I smile in return. “You were here before?” 

“I came to give the basketcase food.” she says. 

“Yeah, he didn’t take everything well.” I say frowning a bit. “Did he eat it?” 

“Probably not.” she shrugs. “But I tried.” 

“He was....a little upset.” I hedge. 

She looks at me for a long moment, and I swear, I actually squirm. 

“He was a LOT upset actually.” she says. 

She looks like she wants to say more, but doesn’t. But I immediately fly into protecting Josh mode. “Oh, well, that’s because...” I trail off though because I can’t immediately think of anything. 

“Because he’s in love with you?” she’s arching her brow at me and my eyes immediately widen. “I’ve talked to him about it, Donna.” 

“You have?” I squeak. Oh God, what did he say? 

“It’s kind of why I’m here. I wanted to talk to you about it.” 

“Nothing’s going on.” I say immediately. “Up until last week, he was dating Amy.” 

“Up until the night of your accident, he was dating Amy.” she counters. Damn. “Donna, I don’t want you to think you’re in any kind of trouble. I’m with you guys on this. I don’t know what Leo’s going to say, but I’m on your side.” 

“Really?” I ask tentatively. 

“Really.” she smiles. “I’m willing to bet Sam and Toby will be, too.” 

“Josh says he doesn’t know what it will mean for our jobs.” 

She finally sits down in her chair. “Yeah, I don’t know.” she confesses, blowing out a breath. “I don’t know that it’ll look too good and we’re not really out of the M.S. woods yet.” 

“We sort of had, like, an unspoken agreement.” I confess, thinking back to the night of my accident. “We talked around it a bit and decided to wait, but I guess he changed his mind.” 

“Yeah, that much was obvious.” 

I think there’s more she’s not telling me, but I decide not to pursue it too far. 

“He’s afraid of bad press for me.” 

“So am I.” CJ confessed. “Listen, Donna, just because I’m on your side, doesn’t mean any of it will be easy. I’ll stand at that podium with my flack jacket on and defend my friends, but Leo calls the shots here, not me. First and foremost is the image of the President, not Josh’s. It’s very possible that Leo is going to transfer you.” 

“You don’t think I’ll get fired?” I hedge. 

“For what?” 

“An inappropriate relationship with my boss.” 

CJ lets out a laugh, then stifles it quickly. I admit I’m a bit surprised by her reaction. “Donna,” she laughs. “This just happened! I know we’re not really surprised because a blind man could see how you felt about each other, but Leo, and all of us, do know that nothing was going on before. You’re not going to get fired for falling in love. The President, for one, would freak out about it.” 

“What about Josh?” I ask next. “Is anything going to happen to him because of it?” 

She pauses and the amused expression she just had on her face disappears. “He won’t get fired.” she assures me. 

“But?” I prod, she shrugs and looks down. “Come on, CJ. Don’t keep me in the dark.” 

“Josh has a tough job.” she says looking back up at me. “He’s really good at his job and because of it, he’s got a lot of enemies. He’s got a lot friends, but he’s also got a lot of enemies. I think the more conservative ones are going to give him a hard time, and they’re going to try to turn it into something that it’s not . Some of them might look for retribution politically.” 

“You’re painting a pretty ugly picture there, CJ.” I sigh, dropping my head back into the pillow the briefly closing my eyes. All I see now is Josh getting hounded by people with cameras. Josh’s name across the Washington Post with some crappy picture and linking his name and the word scandal. 

“Donna, don’t worry too much about it.” CJ says quickly. “Josh gets through this stuff. It might be inconvenient for a while, but he’ll come through it just fine. Josh and conservatives are never going to get along and he was never going to be working for them. Seriously, don’t stress out about it. Let us do our thing.” 

Easy for her to say. 

My eyes flicker to the television and I gasp, horrified at what I see there. 

It’s Josh. Walking up to the hospital door on his cell phone. His head’s down, and so the swarm of reporters that engulf him is so surprising he actually takes a step back. He pushes quickly through them, but the questions continue right through when he disappears through the door. 

“Josh! How long have you been in a relationship with your assistant?” 

“Will she have to resign?” 

“Is the President going to ask you to resign?” 

“Does the President know about your relationship?” 

“Does he think it’s inappropriate?” 

“Oh, shit.” CJ says, standing up. She’s about to run down to his aid, but he appears breathless in the door of my room. It’s apparent now that this must have taken place a couple of minutes ago because he couldn’t have gotten up here that fast. 

There’s many emotions flickering across his face. He looks frantic. He looks surprised. But above all, he looks pissed. 

TBC


	7. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

JOSH’S POV 

Donna goes hysterical the moment she sees me. 

“Josh! Are you all right!?” 

“I’m fine.” I say quickly walking over to her bedside. Her hands are all over my upper body. I don’t know what she thinks she’s looking for. 

“We just saw it on t.v.” she says. I glance over at CJ, who’s kind of cringing at me. Yeah, what just happened was really not a good thing. Leo’s going to hear about it and both I and the press secretary are not going to be in the building. It’s going to be ugly. 

On the other hand, when I leave here, I’ll have the press secretary with me, and they won’t fuck with her and she’ll make sure I don’t say something dumb. 

“Yeah, I was kind of surprised.” 

“Well, not saying anything was definitely the way to go, mi amore.” CJ reassures me. 

“How did they know?” I ask CJ. I don’t really expect her to have the answer, but at least a theory. I feel Donna’s hand shaking a little bit where it’s lying on my arm and I take her hand and squeeze. She seems a little worked up about this, and that makes me a little worried about her health. 

“I don’t know.” CJ shrugs. “Probably the hospital staff.” 

“There’s a laws against that.” I growl, looking out into the hall. 

“Yeah, well, you and I know that usually doesn’t stop anybody.” she says dryly. I look back to Donna and frown at the silent tears streaming down her face. I look back to CJ and nod my head to the door. She picks right up on the cue. “Well, I’ll just go down to the waiting room and call Leo, make sure he’s not having puppies, and just meet me there when you’re ready, Josh.” She turns to Donna before she goes. “I’m really glad you’re feeling better, Donna.” 

“Thanks.” Donna whispers, looking down at her hands. 

As soon as CJ’s out the door, I scoot closer to Donna and wipe her tears away with my thumbs. “What’s all this for?” 

“I’m so sorry, Josh.” she says, still crying and not meeting my eyes. “This is going to be horrible for you. When you leave here, you need to tell them it’s not true.” 

My heart rate immediately starts speeding up. She’s having second thoughts?! 

“I can’t do that.” I say firmly shaking my head. 

“You have to.” She finally looks up and the tears are coming faster and faster. “Josh, I can’t let this happen to you. I won’t be responsible for it.” 

“You’re not responsible for anything.” I insist. “I am. I’m perfectly capable of handling myself, and you’re not even waiting to see what happens. You told me you didn’t care about what happened.” 

“Yes, well, you had just kissed me and there was a lack of oxygen flowing to my brain.” she says and I smile, ecstatic to hear that me kissing her has the same effect on her that she kissing me has on me. 

“We’re not going to get fired, Donna.” I insist, though I have no idea if that’s true. When I went to the White House just before, Leo was in the situation room, and I talked to Sam and Toby. They’re with us, too, but they both agree that they have no idea whether or not Leo is going to transfer Donna or not. And they were both firm in the fact that if Leo does decide to transfer her, I should shut up about it. The thought of walking out my door and her not sitting there is thoroughly depressing. 

“The press is going to make it into a scandal for you.” 

“It’s not a scandal, Donna.” I assure her quickly. And I really don’t think it is. They’ll be up my ass for a while, but at the end of the day, conservatives hate me anyway, and I hate them. It’s not like any of them were going to give me a job. 

“Yeah, but Leo...” Donna tries again. I lean forward and kiss her. For someone so concerned and saying this isn’t a good idea, she responds awfully quickly. Immediately, actually. Her hands come up to my face and we deepen the kiss together. Kissing her is amazing. I lose track of everything but her when I kiss her. I can’t believe I thought waiting for this was the only way. 

When I pull away, the tears are gone, but the worry is still there. “Donna, the First Lady is on our side.” Her eyes widen in horror. 

“Dr. Bartlet knows!?” she squeaks. 

“Abbey has been overseeing your care.” I say. “You can probably expect to see her sometime today. She saw me at my not so best, she’s been in constant contact with your parents. Even if Leo did think he had to fire you, which he won’t, Abbey would stonewall it in a heart beat. And the press attention will be gone as soon as the White House says something.” 

“Josh, if something happened to your career, you’d hate me.” she whispers. 

“I could never hate you.” 

“You say that now, but if you couldn’t work in politics, you’d come to hate me for it.” 

“Donna,” I say. I use my serious voice now and she immediately picks up on it. “Look at me and tell me you don’t love me.” 

“You know I do.” 

“Now, tell me you don’t want me to be happy.” 

“Of course I do.” 

“You in my life is what makes me happy.” 

“I’d still be in your life, Josh.” she insists. “I’d be with you all day working for you. We can still travel together.” 

“Donna, it’s too late.” I say a little louder and with a little more frustration than I intended to. She looks surprised by the force of my words. “Even if I were to tell Leo that we weren’t going to pursue a relationship, he’d know how I felt and do whatever he’s going to do anyway. And quite honestly, Donna, I can’t go back to the way we were. I can’t walk out my office door, and have you sitting there and pretend I don’t feel this way. I can’t pretend I’m okay with not kissing you, and not telling you I love you. It’s all out in the open now, Donna. I can’t go back. I can’t work that way.” 

Okay. I SO didn’t mean for that to come out as an ultimatum. Since I’m notoriously horrible at this kind of thing I ramble on. “Donna, I’ll do anything in the world for you, but please don’t ask me to pretend I don’t love you.” 

She’s crying again. Shit. 

My cell phone rings and I work it out of my pocket and stand up. It’s Leo. 

“Hello.” 

“Get. Here. Now. Josh.” he growls and immediately disconnects. Wow. That really didn’t sound good at all. 

I snap my phone shut and look down at Donna, who’s lip is trembling and she’s still crying. I don’t want to leave her now. She’s such a mess. But, on the other hand, it’ll be worse for us if I don’t immediately obey the summons. “It was Leo. I have to go.” 

“Kay.” she nods. 

“Donna, what am I going to tell him?” 

“Tell him, I love you, Josh.” 

TBC


	8. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

CJ’S POV 

“Josh has been here visiting Donna, yes.” I say to the press members outside the hospital. There’s a few I recognize and some I don’t, but once I came out, they all started behaving themselves pretty quickly. Toby’s quick to pull the credentials of reporters who piss him off and get too close. “She had some complications from a car accident last week and was very sick. Josh is not just Donna’s boss, they’re also close friends.” 

Just for good measure, I give a don’t go there glare to the group. It works a bit, and though they snap many pictures of Josh when he comes out, they don’t ask him a single question. 

“You’ll also note that I am here visiting Donna, Dr. Bartlet, her parents, Sam Seaborn, Toby Ziegler, and several White House assistants have been here to visit Donna during her stay. She’s well liked and we miss her. That’s all. Thanks, guys.” 

I tug Josh away, but he hardly needed it. He seems to have this determination surrounding him right now. We hop into my car because Donna’s parents are still tooling around in his, and head back to the White House. 

“You set her straight?” I ask glancing over to him. 

He chuckles a bit before he answers, “As much as I ever have.” 

“Leo hung up on me.” 

“Me too.” 

“Well, that’s not good.” 

“I can handle Leo.” Josh says. “I’ve known him a long time, a hell of a lot longer than you guys have.” 

“Which is why he’s a hell of a lot harder on you than us, Josh.” I reply. 

“I’m not concerned.” he shrugs. Yeah, bull shit. I know that look. He HATES disappointing Leo. He hates disappointing Donna more, but he doesn’t like it when Leo’s made at him, and Josh takes a lot of shit from Leo. 

“We’re there for you, Josh.” I say again. I’m trying to give him something positive to hang onto. “I don’t know what Leo’s going to do, but Toby, Sam and I are on your side. We’ve got your back on this.” 

“So does Abbey.” he says. 

“Oh, well, that’ll definitely help.” 

We pull into the White House parking lot and he looks down at himself. “I should have gotten changed.” He mumbles. Josh has been in some variation of jeans and a t-shirt for days. He’s popped into the White House real quick once or twice, but it’s been late at night mostly and when Donna’s parents have been with her. 

The devotion he’s shown her since the night of her accident has, quite frankly, astounded me. I knew he had feelings for her and vice versa. I knew they ran deep, but I really wasn’t prepared for this. When you’re looking at someone who’s ready to throw their career in the crapper for the person they love, dammit, you get on board. 

We walk through the corridors and, not surprisingly, are given a pretty wide birth. Leo’s pretty pissed if no one’s coming near us. Once we get to his office Toby and Sam are already in there. 

“WHERE THE HELL IS JOSH!?” Leo bellows as we enter. 

“Right here.” Josh says. 

“God dammit, Josh!” Leo barks. 

“Calm down, Leo. If you get your blood pressure up, Mal’s going to freak.” Josh squares right off with Leo, and I’m now vividly reminded of what he said in the car and the different relationship he’s got with Leo than the rest of us have. I’ve talked back to him once or twice when I’m fighting for something I believe him, but I’ve never blatantly tried to handle him. 

“You weren’t thinking of my blood pressure today were you!?” 

“I wasn’t expecting reporters there.” Josh shoots back calmly. I’m surprised actually at how calm Josh is. He’s not backing down, but he’s not yelling either, which is very un-Josh-like. 

“How long has this been going on?” Leo replies, the level of his voice has dropped, but the angry twitch in his cheek is still there. 

“How long has WHAT been going on?” Josh asks crossing his arms. 

“Don’t play games with me, Josh. I’ve got enough bull shit to deal with today in the world. You’ve been camped out at George Washington for three days, and I’ve said nothing. I’ve let you be where you felt you needed to be. I know what Donna means to you, I’m not blind. I saw the wreck you were the morning after her accident. Your relationship has changed. When?” 

 

“Yesterday.” Josh admits dropping his hands to his waist. 

“You’ve really put me in a tough spot here, Josh. I’m not going to fire someone as good as Donna, and for reasons passing my understanding, I’m not going to fire your dumb ass either. If I let you two keep working together, I’m going to get flack from the right and probably more than I would expect from the left, and while you’ve never played nice with them, there are times when we DO need them. But, if I transfer her, it’ll look like she’s changing jobs just so you could date. I could give her the promotion she deserves, Josh, but then it looks like nepotism. For crying out loud, Josh, you couldn’t have talked to me first?” 

“Leo, I spent the longest two days of my life thinking she was going to die. When she finally woke up and didn’t die, no, Leo, my first thought wasn’t to call you and discuss the White House logistics of kissing her. I came here before to talk to you, you were busy. When I got to the hospital, there were reporters there.” 

“Well, it is what it is.” Leo sighs. 

I’m stunned. I don’t think Leo’s backing down, but he seems to have accepted the situation for what it is. 

“What is it exactly that you’re hoping happens now? What are you hoping I’ll do?” Leo asks. He seems to have forgotten the rest of our presence in the room. It probably wasn’t hard, considering me, Sam, and Toby have crammed ourselves onto the couch and are desperately trying to fade into the wall. 

“Whatever it is that old friends of fathers do for sons.” Josh says quietly. 

Oh my God! If I didn’t know better, I’d think Josh just called in a favor. 

Leo looks at Josh for a long moment, then says, “I’m transferring her.” 

“Where?” Josh asks immediately. 

“Well, she’ll fit in pretty much anywhere.” Leo says. “She can go to leg affairs. She wouldn’t be able to travel with us anymore, but that would serve your dumb ass right. However, Donna’s a good girl, and she likes traveling and she’s one of the few that don’t bitch about it, so I don’t know if I’m inclined to do that. I could put her in the First Lady’s office. Lily Mays hates you, so she’ll make damn sure, you’re not spending too much time distracting Donna.” 

“I want her!” comes a sudden declaration to my left as Sam bolts to his feet. 

“WHAT!?” Josh demands. 

“You want her?” Leo replies slowly. 

 

“Yes.” Sam nods. 

“Care to rephrase that, Sam?” Josh hisses. 

“I want her to come work for me.” Sam says, either choosing to ignore Josh’s death glare, or genuinely missing it, focusing solely on Leo. 

“Sam, you’re a speech writer.” Leo reminds. “Donna doesn’t do that.” 

“Special Assistant to the Deputy Communications Director.” Sam says rattling a title off, a title, which, by the way, is a few rungs higher than her current title. “Leo, she’s perfect for it. Her research and editing skills are unparalleled. They’re practically legendary. Her ability to retain details and trivial things is creepy. She’s knows all this random shit. She is exactly what I need to do the prep work on speeches. She’s used to working crazy hours, and she’s used to traveling. Leo, she’ll be outstanding. Give her to me.” 

I glance over at Josh. He seems to actually be considering it. I gotta say, once Sam put it that way, I can really see where Donna would do well in that kind of job. 

“Okay. I’ve read Josh’s position papers, and Donna’s no slouch at writing, Sam, but you and Toby are writing completely different things. You’re the voice of the President.” Leo replies, but now it sort of seems like he might be playing Devil’s advocate. 

“She doesn’t have to have the oratory flair, she just has to do the backbone. Toby and I will add all the bells and whistles.” 

“You have a speech writing staff.” Leo continues. 

“They’re horrible at this stuff.” Toby finally pipes up. “Donna’s arsenal of useless information is just begging to let Sam and I at it.” 

Leo looks over at Josh. “Can you live with that?” 

“If I have to.” he responds simply with a half shrug. 

“And Donna? Would she want that?” 

“Donna wants to stay with me.” Josh says. “But if she’s not allowed, I think she’ll like that.” He pauses for a second then smiles a bit and continues. “I think she’ll really like hearing the information she gives Sam and Toby come out of the President’s mouth.” 

“All right.” Leo says. “We’ll give it a try. Effective immediately. Josh, you can tell her and sign off on everything.” 

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. 

Now, all I have to do is spin it. 

TBC


	9. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

JOSH'S POV 

Donna's asleep when I get back to the hospital. She looks more peaceful now when she sleeps and things don't look so... desperate. Maybe she looked this way before, and I was just too emotional to really notice. 

I'm loathed to wake her up, but if I don't and wait for her to wake up on her own, she's going to be pissed at me. 

"Donna." I say softly, and run my fingers through her hair. Her eyes flutter immediately open and she smiles at me. 

I love that smile. Donna smiles a lot, but she's got a smile that's just for me. It's bigger than the rest, and it makes her eyes sparkle. When she smiles for me, her eyes look like they're laughing. How can I not love that? How can I not want to do absolutely everything I can to keep that with me forever? 

"You've got a lot more flowers since I left." I smirk. 

"You're still the winner." she says. Her voice is a bit hoarse. I glance around. Yup. Nobody's bouquet is as big as mine. 

"Well, you know how competitive I am." I say softly taking her hand. 

"You look like you still have your head." 

"Of course." 

"Leo didn't freak?" 

"He kinda did. But you all forget that I've known Leo for as long as I can remember." 

"So, I'm not fired?" she asks hopefully. 

"Of course not." I quickly assure. "You were never going to get fired. You did get transferred though." 

My heart brakes when I see her face fall. I know the feeling. Of course, she doesn't know that it's not as bad as it seems, but still.... 

"Anywhere but the Vice President's office." she replies. 

"You'll be working -- why not the Vice President's office?" That was odd of her. 

"I don't really like him, Josh. He just seems so sneaky." 

Wow. That's observant. 

I choose not to get into this subject at the moment. She's not going there, so I'm not too concerned with her dislike of John Hoynes. She's probably picked up on my strained relationship with him. 

"Sam." 

"What?" 

"You're going to be Special Assistant to the Deputy Communications Director." I explain. I can see the confusion on her face. "Sam was hit with, well, it was probably a tree limb of some sort, but he passed it off as inspiration. He and Toby agree that with your superior research and organization skills, and geeky knowledge of useless trivia, you'd be perfect to do the research for their speeches." 

"They have an entire speechwriting staff." she replies, choosing to ignore me calling her a geek. 

"Yeah, but apparently no one is really good at that. It's a raise, it's a promotion, and it's still in the West Wing. Not to mention, you'd still be able to travel with us, which you know how I hate to travel without you." 

"Really?" she smiles. 

"Yeah. You know how bored I get on the plane." 

"No, I mean I can still go on trips?" 

"Leo said so." I confirm. 

"I'll be just a bullpen away." she replied. 

"Yeah." 

"I can keep an eye on you and make sure you won't fall in love with your new assistant." 

As if. 

"I think I can confidently say there's no hope of that." 

"I'll miss working late with you." 

"You know when I'm there late so are Sam and Toby." I say. 

"It's not going to be the same." she says, her face falling again. 

"No. It's not." I try to keep the disappointment out of my voice, but it's not easy, especially since she's pouting right now. "But, Donna, I don't think there was going to be any other choice. Leo wasn't wild about the PR, and quite frankly, neither am I. I don't want them saying horrible things about you. I can't listen to that either." 

"The people who count would know it's not true." 

"I don't want ANYONE thinking any of it's true." 

"My protector." she sighs, trailing her fingers down my cheek. 

"Always." 

"You took good care of my parents." she smiles changing the subject. I don't know if she's accepted the knowledge of the transfer, or just doesn't want to think about it right now, but I'll follow her lead. 

"I told you I'm not bad at the taking care of people thing." I reply indignantly. "I learned from the best after all." 

"Your mother?" 

"No, you." I say. I can't believe she didn't get the compliment there, but then I hear her giggle and I know she was messing with me. I'm SO glad she'll only be down by Sam and Toby. "Admit it, you were doubting me when I said I wanted you to stay with me." 

"I'm afraid I'm going to starve." 

"You're not going to starve." 

"What about the cats?" 

"They're not your cats." 

"But cats are soothing. They're therapeutic." 

"Donna, if this is you trying to talk me into a cat, forget it." I'm firm in my words and tone, but in all seriousness, I'll cave if she presents it right, which I'm sure she will. Who am I kidding? All she has to do is ask. Since the day I met this woman, I have been unable to resist anything she's asked of me. I mean, for crying out loud, I gave her a job when she was totally and completely unqualified for it, just because she can talk me into anything. 

Sam and Toby are so screwed. 

TBC


	10. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

~JOSH'S POV~ 

"DONNA!" I bellow when I don't see her right away as I enter my apartment. 

What? I want her to feel at home. That means bellowing for her. What? It does! 

"WHAT!?" I hear from the bedroom. 

See? 

"I'm home!" 

"No kidding!" 

I smirk as I drop all my stuff in a chair and move to my bedroom. Originally, the plan was for Donna to sleep in the guest room. But that was before all the kissing started. She hasn't spent a single night in there. 

My smile falls when I reach the bedroom. She's got notepads and index cards everywhere and her laptop open. She's working? I'm not working. 

"What are you doing?" 

"Pulling together stuff for the President's speech in June." she says. 

"In Chicago?" I say, pushing crap aside and stretching out next to her. 

"Mmm-hmm." she says, hitting save. She moves the laptop to the nightstand and turns to face me. 

Am I awful? I love that. She just pushed Toby and Sam right out of the way for me. She loves me best. 

"Can I ask you a question?" she says. Uh-oh. She's got her serious face on. 

"Sure." 

"Did you pray for me?" 

"What?" 

"When I was sick, you said you thought I was going to die. Did you pray for me?" 

"What kind of question is that?" 

There are red danger flags everywhere right now. 

"I'm just curious." she shrugs. 

"No." I confess and her eyes go wide. I know I had the warning flags, but I wasn't going to lie to her. 

"You didn't?" 

"No." 

"Why not?" 

"Science saved my life," I shrug. "I was counting on it to save yours." 

"I prayed for you." she says softly. 

"I know you did." I reply. "I don't know." I continue falling back into the pillow. "I prayed for people before, and they died anyway. My father, my sister, my grandparents. Things don't seem to go my way in that department, so I guess I just thought it was taboo." 

She scoots over a bit and rubs her hand on my chest. She's got a soft cast on now, so she's got some more mobility. "Sorry." I say softly. "Am I shitty?" 

"No." she chuckles. 

"I wished a lot." I say. "Lost my shit all over CJ, too." 

"That counts." she nods. 

"It's hard to find the faith when you've got my track record." 

"Maybe it'll come back to you some day." 

"Doubt it." I shrug casually. "I didn't pray when I got shot either. I think I'm destined to be a cynic." 

"How can you be a cynic and an dreamer at the same time?" 

"A dreamer?" I'm almost mortified. That makes me sound flaky. I'm many things, but flaky isn't one of them. 

"Yeah." she nods smiling. "You and Sam have all these big ideas and you usually find ways to make them reality." 

"Huh." I say and furrow my brow a bit. When she says it like that, I guess I see her point, but I still think it makes me sound like a flake. I am NOT a flake. Sam can be flaky, but not me. 

"This is a strange conversation." I say. 

"These are the things I think about when I have too much time on my hands." she says with a shrug and pushes herself to sit back up. I want to spend an hour inside Donna's head. I have a feeling I'd be totally exhausted when I left. 

"Why are you home so early?" she asks. 

I've got a stupid grin on my face now. That sounded nice. 

Wait a minute. Donna's just STAYING here. She doesn't actually live here. 

I think I should try to rectify that. 

"I had a reason to leave on time tonight." I shrug. 

"On time? It's 6:30. This is like a half day for you." 

"I was in at 7." 

"Are you feeling okay?" she frowns and presses her hand to my forehead. 

"Yes!" I laugh batting her hand away. "Donna, did it ever occur to you that the reason I stayed at work so late all the time was because you were there?" 

"Really?" she smiles. 

"It's not any fun when you're not there." 

I get a nice reward for that as she flings herself at me and I catch her to my chest. Her mouth is on mine and things are getting pretty heated pretty quickly. I love the things she can do to me. I love the things she makes me feel. We haven't even made love yet and already things are way more intense than they were with Amy. 

I think sex is still a little while off for me and Donna, and I'm okay with that. Well, as okay as a man not having sex can be. She wants it to be perfect. It's us. I don't see how it's going to be anything BUT perfect, but I think she wants to have a little bit more mobility, which I think just might kill me, but I've long ago accepted that what Donna wants, Donna gets. I've never spoiled a woman before, but Donna tends to get spoiled. 

At first, I thought it was just because she was my assistant and a happy assistant did stuff for you. Then I realized that she smiled a lot when I did nice things for her and said nice things to her. So, then it became all about seeing her smile. It's really quite dazzling. Then, I realized when she smiled at me, I felt good. Like, I felt REALLY good. When she's happy with something I do, I'll be on a high all day. 

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I shower her with flowers and stuff. Though, I do on our anniversary, and despite what she thinks, it IS our anniversary. But, I had a cover to maintain, so flowers were restricted to special occasions. I'm talking the little things, swinging by and getting her a chocolate latte from her favorite coffee shop on my way back from the Hill. Donna's about little stuff like that. She's about an old book about alpine skiing with an inscription rather than the actual skies. When it's actually the thought that counts more than the gift, it's tough not to be affected by that. 

I have a theory. It's pretty basic. I'm near positive that if she hadn't come into my life and become a permanent orbit around me, I'd be pretty hardened by now. I was damn near there to when we met. I was dating Mandy, who was a shrew, but she was a player in the party. Politically, we were a pretty good team, Mandy and I; personally, we were a train wreck. But, Mandy was the kind of woman I was attracted to. Look at Amy, she was my next serious girlfriend. Look at Mandy and look at Amy and tell me they weren't really the same person. My relationship with Amy was like a pod of my relationship with Mandy; though Amy wasn't as mean as Mandy. 

Both women are tough as nails. Both women will chew you up and spit you out for political expediency. They're married to their careers, and if you can't do anything for it, you're no good to them. Don't get me wrong, they're very intelligent and very good at their jobs. They'll both go far, they're just not going there with me. 

"Joshua." Donna whispers as I roll us gently over. She looks up at me and runs a soft finger down my face. There's so much trust in her gaze, so much life, so much love. Mandy and Amy wanted to be the Deputy Chief of Staff's date to all the major events and parties. Do you know what Donna wants? Donna wants me to love her. That's it. Donna would just as soon as bail on a party at Senator's house in favor of staying in with a movie with me than be stuck networking all   
night and being nice to people she doesn't like -- or people I don't like really. Donna likes everybody. 

That reminds me. 

"I brought home a movie." 

"You did?" she seems pretty surprised. I nod. "Do things blow up in it?" 

"I don't think so." 

"Do people get naked?" 

"Maybe." 

"What'd you get?" 

"Message in a Bottle. Ginger saw it and was gushing over it." 

"You got a chick flick." 

"I know. I'm just as surprised as you are." As I pull myself away from her and move to the living room to get it. 

"You don't want to watch it out there?" she asks when I get back. 

"No." I say. "I like being in a bed with you." 

"Pervert." 

"From the display I just got, Donna, I don't think I'm the only pervert here." 

"Huh. Fair point." 

I set up the movie and head back to the kitchen for beer and popcorn. When I return, she's all settled it. She's got her leg propped up on a pillow and a spot for me. Ginger was practically crying over this movie. These are the ridiculous things I do for Donna. If Mandy and Amy were inclined to watch a girly movie, it sure as hell wasn't in front of me. They don't have a sensitive side. 

That's what I've always loved about Donna. When you're in a relationship, someone's the man and someone's the woman. Men and women were programmed millions of years ago and Donna's never been afraid to be a girl in front of me. Donna's never been afraid to hug me, she's never been afraid to cry on my shoulder, she's always trusted me enough to see weakness, and in turn, she got that trust from me. 

"If I die, will you write me letters like that?" she asks. Well, that's a stupid question. 

"No. If you die, I'm going with you." 

"I really don't think that's more romantic, Josh." 

"I don't care about romance, I care about necessity." 

"That's sick, but it's sweet in a twisted way." 

I was faced with Donna's mortality. I didn't handle it well. 

"Everybody dies, Josh." 

"You don't." I say firmly and hug her tightly. If you think I'm being ridiculous... you'd be right. 

We come upon the end of our movie. Things don't look good for our hero. I thought this movie might have the best of both worlds as far as actors went. It's got Robin Wright, who's pretty hot, and Kevin Costner, who...I don't know...girls like him. 

Donna sits up abruptly. "What the hell kind of movie is this!?" she demands. "Josh! He DIES?! He can't be dead! That's not a happy ending." 

Uh oh. "But look, she found out that he loved her, that he was letting the past go." 

"Right. And then they were supposed to be together forever." Donna nods. "He's DEAD!" She punches her finger on the remote control and shuts the movie off, tears streaming down her face. "Happy endings, Josh. Happy. Endings!" 

Donna really shouldn't say "happy endings" like that. It doesn't make me think of movies. 

"Well, I didn't know he was going to die." I say defending myself. I didn't ask Ginger how it ended. I prop myself up on my hands and start kissing her neck. 

"I don't think a happy ending is too much to ask for, Josh." she pouts, then she gestures to the t.v., clearly offended. "The guy died." 

"You have a happy ending." I whisper, kissing her bottom lip that's sticking out. 

"If I die, will you pine away like that for me? I think I'm too selfish for you to move on." 

"No. I told you, I'd be dead." 

"I wish you'd stop saying things like that." 

"All right." I'll just think them in my head. I push her back against the pillow and make my way to her stomach, pushing her shirt up. 

"Josh?" 

"Mmm?" 

"I think my getting hurt was a little traumatic for you." 

"I wouldn't say little." 

"Maybe you should call Stanley." I groan and drop my forehead onto her stomach. "Please, Josh." 

I look up at her. 

Shit. I shouldn't have done that. 

"Okay." I acquiesce moving back to her lips. 

"Seriously?" 

"You want me to call him, I'll call him." 

"Thank you." she smiles. 

See Donna play Josh like a fiddle. This is what happens to me when she smiles. I watch a girly movie on my own volition, I make phone calls to shrinks. But most of all, I feel good and I feel like there's someone in my corner. I feel like I'll always be all right because she's looking out for me. How can I not want to protect that? How can I not want to constantly have this feeling? This feeling of euphoria that I never knew existed. 

It's a little terrifying realizing that there's somebody out there you would literally run through fire for, but it's worth it when you come out on the other side. 

TBC


	11. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

DONNA'S POV 

I greet my parents in the lobby of the White House with a big hug. They were up in New York visiting my brother and his family and decided to take the shuttle down to check up on me. I'm walking around again now, but I think they wanted to check up on me because I haven't moved out of Josh's place yet. I guess they wanted to see for themselves how that was going. 

Pretty damn good, I must say. More and more of my stuff seems to be making it's way over there and Josh doesn't seem to mind one bit. We never can do anything the obvious way. 

"You look wonderful, Donna." my mother gushes. 

"Thank you." I smile. "I feel great." 

"Do we still get our tour?" my dad asks. "It's kind of late. I didn't know if you'd be allowed to." 

"Oh, no. This is the best time to do one." I assure quickly. "The President's out of town, which means I get to show you the Oval Office. I couldn't do that if he was here." 

"And it's so great to see you in this setting. We're so proud of you." My mother smiles again. 

I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. 

"What's the matter?" comes a voice from my side. 

So much for not crying. 

Josh is there frowning at me swiping at the tears in my eyes. "Nothing. I'm fine." I assure. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes." I nod and he greets my parents warmly. I'm surprised when my mom gets a hug. My dad gets a handshake. 

"What are you doing now?" I ask him. 

"I was looking for you. I wanted to see if your folks got here yet." he says. 

"You know what?" I say to the group at large. "Josh should give the tour. Josh gives the best tours!" 

"Donna..." he groans. 

"No. Josh's tours are awesome." I say again. "He actually knows way more about this place than I do." Which is strange actually. I know about the rooms and the history, but Josh gives way cooler tours. He gives more personal tours. I've only ever seen him give one, and I didn't even see the whole thing, but it really was pretty cool. 

"That would be fun!" My mother smiles, and Josh is toast. 

"Okay." he gives in. Like he was going to say no to me anyway. He leads us to the Oval first. I'm sort of surprised actually that he doesn't save it for the finale. Josh steps just inside and my parents and I stand in the doorway. 

"Okay. The White House was built by James Hoban, who was an Irish architect that won the bid in an open competition. It was mostly built by slaves. The cost for building the White House was $232,372 and it was first inhabited by John and Abigail Adams before it was finished. 

"Well, obviously, this is the Oval Office. The first Oval Office was built in 1909 and on the other side of the building, but moved here about 20 years later. It was designed specifically with intimidation in mind. And let me tell you, it works, too. It has an appearance of having no doors and that freaks people out." He motions us in a little more and he walks over to the President's desk. "This is the Resolute desk. It was built from the timbers of the H.M.S. Resolute and given to President Hayes as a gift from the Queen of England for finding the ship. Every President since except for Johnson, Nixon and Ford have used the Resolute desk." 

He moves over to the seating area and bends over, when he's upright, my parents eyes go wide. "This is the red phone. It's not actually used to bomb anything anymore, but it's used by the Secret Service to crash the building when there's been a security breach." 

"Wow." My dad says. 

"Through here," he says moving to the French doors in the room. "Is the North Portico." We follow him out and I smile as he points up towards the top of the building. This is why I wanted him to give the tour. He shows stuff like this. "It's kind of hard to see because the lights aren't that bright, but you see the dark marks up there?" 

"The shadows?" My mother asked. 

"They're actually soot stains from when the British set the White House on fire. The Madisons were hosting a dinner party that night. When Dolly Madison heard the cannon fire of the British during the War of 1812, she ordered the portrait of George Washington to be taken from the building and they fled, leaving the dining room table set for the 40 guests they were supposed to have that evening. The British soldiers sat down, ate dinner, then lit the place on fire." 

As we continue back through the building, my parents look more than a little awestruck. I take Josh's hand and squeeze gently and I'm surprised when he doesn't let it go. Not that it's not common knowledge around here that we're together, but he's been really good about staying professional while we're here. I guess since he figures it's after hours, it's okay. He leads us through the usual tour stops, but stops in the corridor outside the East Room before a painting. 

"This is the portrait of Donna's favorite President, John Adams." he says, and I can feel the tears welling up again. See what I mean when I say he gives the best tours. "Personally, I would have taken her for Jefferson man myself..." 

"Adams was brilliant and misunderstood." I immediately pipe up. Jefferson, indeed. He will never quit making fun of me for dating Republicans. 

"Yes, he was." Josh smiles softly. "He said, `I pray Heaven to bestow the best of blessings on this house and all that shall hereafter inhabit it. May none but honest and wise men ever rule under this roof.' Obviously, that didn't always happen." 

I roll my eyes. That's my Josh. 

"That was later carved into the mantle in the East Room, where it should be noted, while the Adams were in residence wasn't finished yet, so Abigail Adams used it to hang her laundry. 

"Adams and Jefferson" he continues to moving to another nearby portrait. "were the best of friends leading up to and through the revolution, but they had two very different views on how the government should function. Adams believed in a strong central government, whereas Jefferson believed in a sovereign for the people. They each had their staunch supporters and thus, two political parties emerged: the Federalists following Adams' school of thought and the Republicans following Jefferson's. Don't get me started on how I feel about this dark time in U.S. history." 

"Yes, PLEASE do not get him going." I say with a sigh and a eye roll, and Josh reaches around to pinch my side and I yelp in response. 

We move back towards the lobby and Josh points out various things along the way, like, if you roll back the carpets in the Green Room and Red Room, you can see the marks on the hard wood floors from where Johnson's daughters used to roller skate in the White House. 

"We're not going to go in?" my mother pouts. 

"No, they're ugly." Josh says and my father chuckles. "I will tell you tough that President Monroe used the Green Room to play poker. Now, we use Leo's office." 

He takes us through the more famous rooms of the White House that people see on the regular tour last, and, of course, takes all the luster out of the China Room when he tell us that it used be the bedroom of a fireman that was hired to tend to the furnace. 

We finally make it back to the lobby where my mother gushes over Josh and his tour. Josh definitely passed muster with my parents. My parents are catching an early morning flight and it's late, so we say our goodbyes, when my mother immediately puts us on the spot about flying out for Thanksgiving. Before I can mumble something about talking it over and seeing what our schedules are like, Josh immediately agrees. 

After my parents leave, I turn to him with an arched brow. 

"What?" He asks innocently. 

"You agreed to spend Thanksgiving in Wisconsin." I say. 

"You didn't want to do that?" he asks as we head back to the West Wing. 

"I'm surprised you so readily agreed." 

"Why wouldn't I?" 

"Because that's a big step in a relationship and that's usually when you implode." 

"No." He laughs picking something up off his new assistant's desk (who's gone for the day, by the way) and I follow him into his office. "I implode when women want to move in with me. As you can see, that's not happening with you." 

I stop and look at him. "Are we really doing that?" 

"Isn't that what's been going on?" 

"I don't know. You haven't actually said anything about it." 

"I cleaned out half my closet for you." 

"Then why am I still paying rent on my place?" 

"I don't know. Why are you?" 

"JOSH!" I yelp and I'm not ashamed to admit I stamped my foot a bit there too. 

"What?" 

"This is an actual serious conversation we're supposed to have here. You can't just say, look, I made room in my closet for you and think I'm going to know what that means." 

"Why not?" 

"JOSH!" I cross my arms indignantly over my chest. 

"Donna!" he chuckles again coming over to me and running his hands up and down my upper arms. "I want you to move in with me." 

I pout for good measure and try to make it look like I have to think it over, which is obviously ridiculous since everything but my furniture is already at his place anyway. 

He plays along with me though and wraps his arms around me, trapping me in his embrace and murmuring against my neck. "Do you want me to beg? I will." 

"No, I don't want you to beg, Josh." I say, tilting my head back. What? Negotiating with him now is far more fun than it used to be. 

"Really? I could be very persuasive on my knees." 

"JOSHUA!" I shriek. This makes me blush furiously which makes him laugh. "You're such a pervert!" 

"Am I wrong?" 

"That's not the point!" 

"Move in with me, Donna, officially." He says looking me directly in the eyes. His gaze shoots right through me and sends a shiver down my spine. "I can't imagine not waking up with you anymore and with you having an apartment out there, it makes that a possibility." 

I can't imagine it either. I got used to that a little too fast. After my one great disasterous relationship, I swore I'd never move fast with a man again. That doesn't seem to be the case with Josh. 

"We'll have to rent a truck." I say, and he grins. "Your couches aren't as comfortable as mine, and I'm cleaning out that landfill you call an office." 

He doesn't seem to be listening to me anymore, which is both good and bad, as he's showing his happiness by trailing kisses up and down my neck, along my jaw. He unbuttons a button on my shirt and trails kisses along the portion of my collarbone he can reach. 

He CAN be pretty persuasive like this. I shudder to think about the influence he's got over me and the things he can get me to agree to when he's doing things like this. I used to think I was impervious   
to him. I really tried to make myself believe that, but I never really was and I'm certainly not now. 

TBC


	12. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

~DONNA’S POV~ 

“All I’m saying is I find it hypocritical for a President, who has boasted ad nauseam of his faith in God and the Catholic church, who has stressed the importance of morals and family values to surround himself with people who don’t support those same principals.” 

“And by people, you mean...” Josh leads the Senator. 

“His senior staff.” 

Senator Wilson is a tool. I should just get it out there. He’s a conservative republican from North Carolina and why Mark Godfrey paired him with Josh I’ll never figure out. He probably could have gotten some honest debate out of Toby, but Josh in this appearance is just belligerent. 

“Really?” Josh smirks. “Are you talking generalities or me specifically?” 

“You’re picking a fight here.” I say to Josh pointing to the t.v. of the pre-recorded show. I’m only now getting to see this. I’ve heard about it though...all day. 

“I am not.” He replies, but he’s got a bit of a squeak to his voice, which means he knows he’s lying. 

I turn my attention back to the television in his office where the Senator is continuing to dig his own grave. 

“Well, I think it’s saying something, Mr. Lyman, that you’re shacking up with your assistant.” 

Uh-oh. This must be what CJ meant when she said the Senator had it coming. Believe it or not, Josh is a pretty tolerant person. He can handle people writing and saying things that aren’t very nice about him. But me? Not. So. Much. 

“Shacking up?” Josh smirks, but the mirth doesn’t reach his eyes. 

“I should have knocked that windbag out right there.” he growls next me. 

“Sshhh...” I hush. 

“I’m not shacking up with my assistant.” Josh replies. “My assistant is a man named Andrew and though I certainly support gay rights, I think my girlfriend would be a little surprised if I suddenly up and moved in with him.” 

“Former assistant.” the Senator sneers. 

“Not that this has any relevance whatsoever,” Josh continues. “But my girlfriend and I live together. And for the record, she is the Special Assistant to the Deputy Communications Director. She reports to Sam Seaborn and Toby Ziegler, not me.” 

“She used to report to you, and you had a relationship with her before her transfer. And my question to you, Mr. Lyman, is what does it say about this President when his staff believes themselves to be above reproach? What does it say about it’s women, who supposedly fight so hard for fair treatment and women’s rights, and throw the very ideals they fight for out the window and sleep with their bosses for a promotion? Ms. Moss WAS promoted, was she not, Mr. Lyman?” 

Uh-oh. 

This is what Sam meant when he said things did not go well. 

“Scumbag.” Josh mutters from his desk. But I am riveted by what’s happening on the television screen. I’ve never seen Josh so livid before. I can see his body tense up and his jaw set for battle. He moves to take his microphone off, but Mark Godfrey puts a hand on his arm. 

“You’re not going to respond to the Senator’s accusations, Josh?” the commentator asks. 

“No, I will not. I make it a point never to debate drunks and half-wits. It’s a waste of my time.” Josh says. “But I will say this to you, Senator. You better hope your words just had the full backing of your constituents because I will make it my job in life to not only sink your pathetically closed minded agenda, but your soon to be worthless career. You can say what you want about me, but I take issue with you dragging someone into this debate, and I use that term extremely loosely, that’s not here to defend herself. Donnatella Moss was promoted by Leo McGarry, not me, and she was promoted because she’s brilliant and her research skills are unparalleled. Yes, I suppose her taste in men could be called into question because for reasons passing my understanding, she’s in love with me. But don’t mistake my high opinion of her for weakness in me, Senator, because I promise you, after that little insult you just hurled there, I’ll come after you or anyone else who shares that disgusting opinion with a bottomless arsenal of political and quite possibly personal pain.” 

I press stop on the remote control and look over at my man in astonishment. Josh will get in your face, and if the argument gets heated enough, he can certainly get insulting, but I can’t say I’ve seen him blatantly threaten someone before. 

He won’t meet my eyes. He’s got his face buried in a file on his desk. The anger is still radiating off of him. 

I’ve never had somebody go to bat like that for me. I’ve never had someone stand up and defend me with such raw passion before. 

What. A. Turn. On. 

I walk over to his chair, where he continues to pretend not to notice. He’s pretending that what I just watched on the t.v. is no big deal to him, but he’s very tense. His movements are very rigid. 

I push his chair back from the desk and he can no longer deny me his attention. When he looks up at me, I can see the helplessness in his eyes. He feels out of control in the whole situation surrounding that appearance. He is. The Deputy Chief of Staff just threatened a United States Senator. That ball is in Toby and CJ’s court now. 

I sit down across his lap and he lets a long breath out. “I’m sorry.” he says softly. 

“Just to clear something up, Josh,” I begin in a low, and what I hope is a sultry voice. One look at him though, and I think my voice is hitting it’s mark. “That’s one of the reasons I love you. You’re there for me, you always are. You’re sweet, to me anyway, loyal, funny, passionate in your love for me, and really damn hot when you’re defending my virtue.” His eyes widen as I turn in the chair to straddle him. Good thing I wore pants today. It takes no time at all to discover how much he wants me right now. 

I shouldn’t take advantage of him when he’s in this head space, but I can’t help it. I just found that to be so hot that I seem to have forgotten a Senator went on television today and called me a whore. My sole goal is to selfishly get a hold of this passion and anger running through him. 

He trails a finger down my face and down the center of my chest, so I respond with unbuttoning the top two buttons on my shirt. His lips waste no time attaching themselves to my skin. I begin to rock my hips back and forth in his lap and he groans. 

“Josh.” 

Charlie’s voice rings out through intercom. 

“Yeah.” 

“The President wants to see you now.” 

“Okay.” Josh says. 

“And bring Donna.” 

Charlie disconnects and Josh looks at me. Talk about a bucket of cold water. I button up my shirt and climb off of him. He takes a moment to fix his attire and we leave his office. People are looking at me a little longer than they normally do and Josh still looks pretty pissed off, though I will say less tense, thank you very much. I’m not sure where that little encounter was headed, but I wish I had gotten to find out. 

Charlie lets us right into the Oval Office where the President is fit to be tied. 

“God dammit, Josh!” he yells. I’m a little thrown. I’ve never seen the President angry like this. Leo is standing over near his office. I almost get the impression that he’s distancing himself from this conversation. I take a step closer to Josh. “I told you, did I not, after your little tax fraud comment to Mary Marsh that got you hot water not to do it again.” 

“Sir...” Josh starts. 

“Did I not Josh!?” the President has a booming voice. I jump a little, and Josh’s hand comes back to my thigh, almost as if he’s about to push me behind him to shield me from the President’s anger. It would be a nice try, but I’m sure the whole White House can hear him now. 

“Yes, sir, you did.” Josh replies. 

“You made it two whole years!” 

“Sir...” Josh tries again. 

“You threatened a United States Senator with bodily harm.” the President hisses. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“On national television!” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“My phone and Leo’s phone have been ringing off the hook. What am I supposed to do, Josh!? What am I supposed to say to the party leadership that wants your head... AGAIN!” 

What!? How dare he! How dare this man that has always been so larger than life to me treat Josh like this. 

“I really don’t think this is fair, Mr. President.” I say taking a step away from Josh. A surprised silence falls over the room and Josh is the first to recover. 

“Donna...” 

“No, Josh.” I say and turn back to the President. “Senator Wilson went on national television today and called me a whore, Mr. President, and YOU’RE the one who’s upset and offended?” 

“Donna.” Josh tries again and I shake him off. 

“Donna,” the President begins, but he’s a lot more calmer in speaking to me than Josh. 

“I don’t think it’s fair, Sir.” I insist. “I don’t think my parents would think it’s fair either. Josh did the most chivalrous thing anyone has ever done for me by defending me. Isn’t that way it should be, sir? If somebody said something like that about Elizabeth, wouldn’t you want her husband to stand up and say stop? I’m the one that was lied about, Sir. I’m the one that was degraded on national television. He was lied about, too. Are you mad about that?” 

“Donna.” Josh tries again, but the pleading tone his voice held before seems to have died down. It’s a half-hearted plea now. 

“Maybe I’m a little old fashioned, sir, but it seems to me that the one everyone should be mad at is Senator Wilson. I work hard for this administration, Sir. I work tirelessly for you and I have since the day I set foot in your campaign headquarters. I don’t regret a single moment of my experience and I will continue to work tirelessly for you up and until the moment you make Josh apologize for doing the right thing.” 

Everyone in the room seems...well, sort of speechless. I hazard a glance over at Leo. He’s always the one that’s such a stickler for protocol, but all I see now... is that a smirk? Is Leo trying to hide a smirk? Josh purses his lips together and drops his head to his chest. 

“Well, my wife’s going to be incredibly pissed she missed that.” the President finally says. 

“She really is, sir.” Leo chuckles. 

“I’ll have to have the secret service play it back for her. Of course, then all I’m going to hear about all night is how right Donna is.” The President looks over at Josh, who has regained his composure and back at me. “Donna, it’s very admirable the way you just threw yourself in front of Josh like that. You’re very loyal and you’ve always made protecting him your number one responsibility. But now I’m going to ask you to step outside. I’d like to talk to Josh alone.” 

TBC


	13. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

~JOSH’S POV~ 

I watch the door to the Oval Office close behind Donna and suddenly I feel very exposed. The President has been pissed at me before, but I’ve never felt like I lost my armor. I can’t believe she just did that. I’m slightly mortified. I thought I taught her better than that. But more than that, I’m so freaking proud because I know I taught her better than that and she tossed it out the window anyway. 

“Sit down, Josh.” the President says gesturing to the couch. Okay, well, I’m not going to get my head ripped off. I’d have to stand up for that. Leo sits on the couch opposite me and the President takes his normal chair. 

“I think I’ve done you a disservice, Josh.” 

Wait, what? 

“I’m sorry, sir?” 

“When we first took office, you were an extension of Leo, as it should have been. The purpose of your position is to step seamlessly into Leo’s job should the need ever arise. That’s tapered off and that’s not something you can do now.” 

Or, maybe I AM going to get fired. 

“I think the reason I get so upset with you when you shoot your mouth off like you did this morning is because a Chief of Staff can’t do that. They don’t have that luxury. But I was reminded today by Leo that our original plan got pushed to the back burner and that needs to change.” 

I don’t like the feeling I’m getting from this conversation. “Excuse me, sir.” I say then turn to Leo. “What’s going on? Are you all right?” 

“Yeah.” he nods. 

“You’re sure?” I ask frantically. 

“I’m fine, Josh. The President is speaking theoretically.” 

I turn back to the President, but because I’m me and my good friends doom and gloom are forever lurking around the corner to jump out and get me, it’s stuck in my brain now that Leo’s keeping something from me. 

“But, sir, I just assumed all that was because I gave the NSA card back.” 

“We didn’t have this conversation then, Josh, because you weren’t seeing anyone,” the President begins. “But you can take someone with you.” 

“I can? Like who?” 

“Like...oh, say a WIFE, Josh!” Leo says rolling his eyes, like that should have been blatantly obvious. 

“I’m not married.” 

“Yet.” the President says. 

Oh. 

OOOHHH! They’re giving me the wink wink, nod nod there. 

“Okay, well, pushing my marital status aside,” I’m SO not talking about that with these two. “What are we talking about here?” 

“You’re going to get back into more foreign relations, Josh. You’re going to start seeing more time in the situation room and you’re going to weigh in on bigger decisions. You still can’t have the complete security clearance Leo has, but you’ll definitely have a higher level of exposure.” 

“What about all the legislative stuff?” 

“You’ll still do that, but you’re going to have to start relying on your assistant deputies a little more, maybe move some of the more key stuff that you can’t handle to Toby and Sam. They’re freed up a lot more now that they’ve got Donna.” 

Donna. I wonder how SHE’S going to take all this. This all sounds...time consuming. 

“Okay.” Is all I can say. 

“You’re in a good position to get back into all this.” the President says. “Our women tend to give us a different outlook into situations and think outside the box. They don’t completely lose that naivete, but they don’t become as hardened as we do. But, not just any woman.” 

He looks pointedly at me now, like he’s trying to convey something to me, but I’m missing the message he’s sending. 

“So,” he says as he rises and I take his cue that the conversation is finished. “As the situations arise, you can expect to be in the room more.” 

“Thank you, sir.” I reply, still trying to figure out what I’m missing and working this whole conversation out in my head. 

He walks me to the office door and I’m not surprised to see Donna pacing Charlie’s office on the other side. 

“Have a good night, Donna.” the President smiles. 

“Thank you, sir.” she replies, sounding a little confused and regarding me studiously. 

The door closes behind me, and I take a moment to look at her. I knew she wouldn’t have gone far. 

“Are you fired?” she asks immediately. I smirk and walk out of the office with her hot on my heels. 

“No. But, your mother tigress routine was pretty hot.” 

“Josh! I’m mortified! Am I fired?” 

“If you were, would you regret what you did?” 

“No.” 

“Then what do you care?” 

“I have bills to pay.” 

“I pay everything.” 

“I have credit cards.” 

“You’re not fired. And your credit cards have barely a balance on them. You don’t spend any money.” 

“I don’t have time to spend any money.” she laughs. 

“That might not be the case anymore.” I mumble. 

“What?” 

“I think you’re about to have more time on your hands.” 

“What are you talking about?” 

We duck into my office and I close the door. “Remember way back in the beginning of the term, I used to be in on everything and that kind of died down?” 

“I just assumed that was because you gave the NSA card back.” she says off-handedly. 

“You KNOW about that!?” So much for being covert. 

“Sure, CJ told me.” she nods. I take a second to try and figure out if CJ should have gotten in trouble for something like that, and decide it’s probably not that big of a deal. 

“Well, it didn’t have anything to do with that, but apparently, that little part of my job description is going to be front and center again.” 

I wait and try to gauge her reaction. 

“You spent a lot of time here then.” 

“Well, that was mostly because I was trying to get a feel for my new job.” 

“Not mostly.” 

“No, not mostly.” 

“Your clearance level is going to go up, I assume. You’ll have to adjust to having a whole new world of stuff you can’t tell me.” she says sitting down in a visitor’s chair and looking back up at me. 

“Yeah, I guess, but the President didn’t really seem to think...” I trail off as the brief conversation I had with the President slowly runs through my head. 

“Thinks what?” she asks, as she takes my YooHoo off my desk and helps herself to a healthy portion of it. 

“I think he was trying to tell me...” I say again. Damn, it’s right there! Why can’t I get a handle on it? 

“Josh?” 

I think the light bulb over my head is getting a little brighter. 

“Josh?” 

Noooo. This can’t be right. 

Could it be that the President and Leo just told me that I couldn’t reach the full potential of my job unless Donna and I were either married or I was single? 

I look down at Donna who’s waiting for an explanation. 

How do I break THIS to her? 

TBC


	14. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

~DONNA’S POV~ 

“Josh? Josh, what was the President trying to tell you?” I prod. He looks like he’s trying to work something out in his head. 

“I don’t really know...” he begins. 

“What, Josh?” I’m beginning to grow concerned now. I stand up and put my hand gently on his forearm. “Josh, what’s going on?” 

“I think the President and Leo want us to get married.” 

My eyes widen and my jaw falls open. 

Married? 

Okay. It’s not like I’m adverse to this. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you I haven’t thought of this...often. But, I have to say, I was kind of hoping it’d be Josh’s idea. 

“Married?” I repeat. 

“Married.” 

“As in down the aisle, to have and to hold...” 

“For richer, for poorer, yeah.” he nods. 

“I don’t understand.” I say sitting down again. “Maybe you should start at the beginning here and explain how the President and Leo ended up dictating our love life.” 

His eyes widen a bit as he sits down. It’s possible I was a little snappy there. Can you blame a girl? I don’t want to get married because the President and Leo say so. Are they making Zoe get married? I don’t think so. 

“I don’t think it’s the way it sounds.” Josh says. 

“Explain it to me.” I order. “Because it sounds pretty bad.” 

“I think they’re concerned with the added responsibilities to the job that I’d unknowingly divulge classified information.” 

“You’ve NEVER done that!” 

“I don’t know. In my sleep or something.” he says. “And I guess they’re concerned if the woman I’m with is just....” 

“Amy Gardner.” I finish with a nod, catching on. 

“Well, that was hitting below the belt, but yes.” 

“They realize I work at the White House and I understand security issues.” 

“Yeah. But I think it’s kind of the mentality of the relationship the President has with the First Lady. He talks things over with her. She knows what’s going on. She knows what’s going on in the situation room. She’s another angle, another point of view for the President to consider.” he says. “I won’t have the clearance Leo has, but I’ll have more than I do now, and I think issues of security are a little looser at my level and higher where I’m talking to a wife. It’s like a different set of acceptance.” 

“This seems a little....odd.” I say. 

“I think that’s what they mean.” he shrugs. “There aren’t concerns like that if I’m not seeing anyone.” 

“There shouldn’t be concerns like that anyway!” 

“It’s not so much that, accidental leaks, as it is that the President said he talks to Abbey about things like that and she’s got a different perspective on things. It’s like sometimes he’s got his mind made up, he talks to her and then suddenly, he sees it differently. He said she makes him think outside the box. It’s exactly the way I am with you on legislative stuff.” 

“I don’t even understand why this is coming up.” 

“Well, that was the weird part of the conversation.” he says, like the whole marriage by Presidential decree thing was totally normal. “They said that in the beginning, my job was intended to be set up that I could seamlessly step into Leo’s job if I needed to, but that fell by the wayside and now I can’t. The President wants to change that.” 

“What’s wrong with Leo?” 

“That’s just it. Leo said the President was talking theoretically.” 

“You don’t think so?” 

He shrugs and says nothing, but he doesn’t have to. I know Josh’s mentality. He’s freaked out that something’s wrong with Leo that we don’t know about. It could very well be that there’s nothing wrong with Leo and the President was being truthful there, but that’s not the way Josh’s mind works. 

I arch a brow at him. On the one hand, it speaks volumes to me that he was honest and open about what they told him and I didn’t find out in some accidental, half-assed Josh way. But on the other.... well, I wanted it to be HIS idea! 

“Josh, I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. And I’d be lying if I said I’d never considered the possibility of us getting married. And I’d be lying if I said that idea was an extremely pleasing thought.” I say, and he smiles at me. “But, Josh, I don’t want to get married to appease the President and Leo. I don’t want you to feel like you have to propose to save your job. I want you to want to marry me, Josh.” 

“What makes you think I don’t?” 

“I haven’t actually allowed myself to wonder if you did or didn’t.” I confess. 

“I have.” 

“Oh.” Is all I can say. That makes me unbelievably happy. But I still have this nagging feeling that I would somehow be blamed down the road. Either I’ll but stuck in a loveless marriage down the road because Josh and I became a political couple instead of an actual couple; or I’ll be blamed for the non-advancement of his career. 

Doesn’t look like I can win here. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

~CJ’S POV~ 

I’m getting a headache just watching him. 

“...and now she’ll never know, CJ.” Josh says. “She’ll never know that before this night, I wanted to marry her. She’ll never know that I don’t need the President and Leo to point out to me that I should marry Donna. I thought I should marry Donna, like, the day after I met her!” 

Josh has been pacing in front of me for about 15 minutes now ranting about his conversation in the President’s office. He’s run his fingers through his hair so many times, I’m surprised it hasn’t caused him to molt. 

“Josh....” I start yet again. 

“I’m so completely screwed, CJ.” he continues helplessly. “Now, whenever I ask her, she’ll think it’s because of my career. She’ll think I’m only interested in it for the politics and not because it’s her and I.” 

“Okay, well, now you’re just being ridiculous.” I finally get in and he stops and looks at me. “In what universe, mi amore, do you think Donna’s not completely in love with you.” 

“None.” 

“Did she say she didn’t want to marry you?” 

“She doesn’t want to marry me because the President thinks it’s a good idea.” 

“Okay. And?” 

“And she thinks I want to get married to save my job.” 

I burst out laughing. Oh God help me, he looks so adorably lost. 

“Josh! She wouldn’t think that.” 

“She SAID it CJ!” he exclaims. 

“She did?” 

“YES! Why do you think I’m freaking out over here?” 

“Because you’re Josh and you freak out over everything.” I reply. “Donna loves you, you love her. You’re just going to have to convince her that that is the only reason why you’re getting married.” 

“Oh, thanks.” he says dryly. “How do you suggest I do that?” 

“Well, you’re obviously going to have to let the nuclear dust here settle.” I say. “Then, you just be you, Josh. She loves you. You’re genuine with her. When the moment’s right and you ask her, she’ll believe you.” 

He looks at me like he’s not so sure. Carol pops her head in. “Toby’s looking for Josh.” Josh sighs loudly and leaves the room. 

Oh, thank God! I drop my head into my hands and sigh. I don’t know how much more of that I was going to be able take. I mean, I love my friends, but they can be pretty draining. All I need right now is for.... 

“CJ, I need to talk to you!” 

Aaannnndddd....here’s Donna. 

She scurries in and closes the door. 

“CJ, the President and Leo --” 

“I heard.” I interrupt. 

“You did? How?” 

“Josh was in here and he told me all about it.” I decide to head this puppy off at the pass. “He seems to be under the misguided impression that you would never believe he really wanted to marry you. Is that true, Donna? Do you actually question his love for you?” 

“No.” she says. 

“Donna, when you were in ICU, he cried.” I say bluntly. “He completely came apart first all over you and then all over me because he thought you were going to die. He actually told me that if you did die, he would too, and Donna he really believed it. It was the craziest thing I’ve ever witnessed. He actually believed that if you died, he would just cease to exist.” 

“He did?” 

“Yes.” I nod. “Now, does that sound like a man that doesn’t want to get married? Because if you ask me, and you obviously had intended to by coming here, it sounds to me like a man that already IS married. He’s committed to you, Donna, mind, body, and dare I say, soul. There is no doubt in my mind that he will ask you when he thinks you two are ready, not a day before, and he will mean it with every fiber of his being.” 

She’s silent for a moment. I think I scared her. 

“Wow, CJ.” she breathes. “That’s some ringing endorsement there.” 

Oh, for crying out loud. 

“I’ve had enough of you two!” I shout slapping my hand on my desk. It should have intimidated her, but she sat down instead and is now making herself comfortable. This is what I’ve been reduced to here. Where’s my terror clout? Toby and Josh can make grown men cry. Who runs out of my way? 

“He was really like that?” she asks softly. 

“He was really like that.” I nod. 

“Because I don’t remember much from after I woke up. It’s kinda hazy. I just remember him being upset.” 

“Upset is an exceedingly large understatement.” 

“I just love him so much, CJ. I really don’t think I could survive it if he came to hate me one day.” 

“That will never happen.” I assure. “I think it’s a chemical impossibility in that man.” 

“Thanks, CJ.” she smiles and stands up. “I’m going to go find him.” 

She runs out of my office. As I watch her down the corridor, I see her spot him coming out of Toby’s office. He’s surprised as she grabs his hand and tugs him away. Those two are infuriating and completely exhausting. But every time I’m around them, they leave me with the same thought. 

I wish I was in love. 

TBC


	15. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

~DONNA’S POV~ 

“Donnatella, it’s your mother.” Like I don’t know this voice. 

“Oh hi, mom. What’s up?” 

“Your father and I are moving to Oklahoma.” she announces, with great bravado, I might add. 

What the hell? 

“What’s in Oklahoma?” 

“Senator Wilson.” 

Oh, I forgot that all happened yesterday. What with all this marriage hoopla, I forgot that a United States Senator called me a whore on national television and then Josh threatened him with bodily harm. 

Then I turn around and question how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with me? He could have shot his career in the foot then for me. I’m sure there will be some kind of retribution for it. 

“All right, mom. I’ll bite.” 

“Well, I figure we can move to Oklahoma and I’ll start a massive campaign against him.” 

“That’s very sweet of you, mom, but Josh pulled the Director of the DNC off the golf course this morning. He’s already all over mounting an opposition against Senator Wilson.” 

“He can do this by November?” 

“Senator Wilson’s not up for re-election this year.” 

“You should start calling him by his given name, Donnatella. Wilson the Weasel.” 

“Clever, mom.” 

“Well, I am organizing a letter writing campaign to him, and quite possibly a bus trip to Washington to protest the coward’s remarks on national television and demand an apology.” 

“You weren’t happy with what Josh said?” I ask innocently. 

I look down in bed to where Josh is laying, seemingly asleep. His breathing’s not even though, so I don’t think he’s sleeping. 

“Oh he did very good, dear. In fact, I’d like to compliment him myself when we’re through. But he does have a career to think about, and I don’t. So, I can say what I want to that yellow-livered, right-wing, head up his ass, half-wit.” 

Okay, then. 

“Mom, really. You don’t need to get arrested over this. Josh took care of it and the White House is going to demand an official apology on Monday morning.” 

Josh’s hand comes up from under the covers and he motions for me to give him the phone. 

“Hold on, mom. Josh wants to talk to you.” 

I pass the phone off to Josh with great interest in what he has to say. 

“Hi, Lynn. Oh thank you, not one of my most eloquent moments, but I think I did all right.... Wilson the Weasel, clever, I’ll work that into the next conversation the man is unfortunate enough to have to have with me. Listen, you should also know that I’m going to completely torpedo his entire legislative portfolio just to be a son of a bitch about the whole thing..... Yeah, well, nobody attacks someone I love and lives to tell the tale..... What’s that?.... Oh, well let me know when you’ll be outside the Capital and I’ll send a few hundred interns down there to back you up....... Well, what’s the fun of my job if I can’t abuse the power every now and then?..... Okay, see you in November.” 

He hands the phone back to me and my jaw is hanging open. He burrows back under the pillow and I press the phone to my ear. 

“What the hell was all that?” I demand to both my boyfriend and my mother. 

“Joshua and I understand each other.” My mother says simply. 

“Really?” 

“Josh said you’d see us in November. You’re still planning on coming out then, Donnatella?” 

“It would appear so.” 

“Good. Your brother and his family will be here then too.” 

“Oh....really?” 

“Of course. It’s Thanksgiving and you and Josh are coming. Your brother wants to meet him. Don’t you want to see Oliver?” 

“Oh yeah! Of course. It’s been a while. It’s just...” 

“Just what, honey?” 

“Well, Megan is a bit of a bitch, mom.” I say bluntly. 

“Donnatella, watch your language. That’s your brother’s wife you’re talking about.” 

“Yet, I hear no denial.” 

“You live and work in Washington D.C., Donnatella. Surely, you can handle your sister in law. You must encounter snide, shallow women all the time.” 

Well, I guess we can see what my mother’s opinion of my sister in law is. 

“Sometimes.” I say, and I feel bad that my immediate thought is of Josh’s ex-girlfriends. Amy actually wasn’t all that bad to me. She wasn’t all that great; but she could have been Mandy. 

“I do look forward to Joshua’s impressions of her.” my mother chuckles. I haven’t confessed to my boyfriend yet that my brother married a Republican. 

A big one. 

It’s not that she’s politically active; she’s just very outspoken. And not in a fun way like Ainsley Hayes is. Megan’s outspoken in a rich, bitchy, condescending way. I swear to God, I have absolutely no idea what Oliver sees in her. He’s a registered Independent, but he usually votes Democrat. And he’s not remotely rich. I mean, he does well for himself, he’s a teacher. But she comes from a rich Greenwich family. My parents are comfortable, but they’re not rich. 

Josh on the other hand... 

Yes, it will be fun to see Josh’s reactions to my sister in law. 

“All right. Well, it’s kind of early in the morning, mom, and it’s sort of our day off. I was kind of looking forward to sleeping in a bit.” 

“Is that a hint, dear?” 

“No, mother, I’m ending the call now.” 

“Bye bye, dear. Give my love to Josh.” 

“And mine to dad.” 

I disconnect the call and poke Josh in the shoulder. “Hey.” 

There is some kind of muffled man grunt from somewhere under the pillow. It wasn’t English, so I poke again. 

“What?!” 

“What was that with my mother?” 

“We understand each other.” 

“That’s what she said.” 

“Then it stands to reason that we do actually understand each other, doesn’t it?” 

“Listen, you should know something about Thanksgiving.” I begin. He flips the pillow off his face and looks up at me in alarm. 

“What?” 

“My brother and his wife are coming.” 

“So?” 

“My sister in law is ridiculously Republican.” 

“Seriously?” 

“Seriously.” 

“Okay.” he shrugs. He pulls my shirt up a bit and starts kissing my stomach. 

“Okay? Did you hear what I said? You’re spending Thanksgiving with a Republican.” 

“My ears are connected to my brain.” 

And his tongue is connected to my naval.... 

“Josh...” 

“I told you. Your mother and I understand each other. I’m sure she’ll understand that if provoked during dinner, it’s possible your misguided sister in law might wear some gravy...and some stuffing...perhaps a potato or two...” 

“Josh.” I groan. 

“Mmm?” he replies innocently as his hand slides my shirt over my head and his tongue swirls lazily up my chest. This is shaping up to be a very good morning. 

Josh’s pager goes off. 

Then the phone rings. 

He drops his forehead to my stomach and sighs. 

Then again, maybe not. 

TBC


	16. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

DONNA’S POV 

“Donna, what are you doing?” Josh asks mysteriously swinging into my cubicle as I tap away on my laptop. 

“Research for Sam and Toby.” I reply not looking up. 

“When do they need it by?” 

“It’s no rush really.” I shrug and finally look up at him. “Why?” 

“Let’s go on a date.” He says bouncing over to me. 

“Now?” 

“Yes, now.” He says a little frustrated. 

“It’s 8:15. I already ate dinner.” 

“This isn’t dinner.” 

“You’re going to take me on a date and not feed me?” 

“Yeah.” 

He seems very excited right now. I wonder what gives. “What happened to the woo?” 

“We’re going to be late.” He says looking at his watch. He walks over to me and pulls me bodily out of the chair. 

“You made reservations?” I asked confused. “I already ate.” 

“We’re not eating.” he says as we move out into the communications bullpen. “Toby! Sam! Donna’s going out!” 

“Josh, who said you could take my employees without permission?” Toby asks walking out of his office. 

“Me. I outrank you.” Josh retorts quickly. Oh, pulling rank? This must be something he really wants to do. “Um, can you walk in those shoes?” He asks skeptically, looking down at my feet. 

“Is there going to be a lot of walking?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I could put my gym sneakers on, but then I’ll look weird. I’m wearing a suit.” 

“That’s fine. I don’t want your leg to hurt you, and get your coat.” He directs. 

I must admit, I’m intrigued. So far, all I know about this cryptic date is he’s made reservations and it seems to be outside. The bullpen is pretty quiet now. Mostly everyone’s gone home to go trick or treating with their kids. Josh has planned an impromptu, mysterious Halloween date. Why do I suddenly have the chills? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

JOSH’S POV 

Donna’s got, like, no faith in me when it comes to stuff like this. I was hit by inspiration a little while ago. I had to pull a few strings to get us on board for tonight, it being Halloween and all, but when I pulled the White House card, it worked pretty quickly. 

“A ghost walk!?” Donna shrieks as we walk up to the assembling group in Lafayette Park. 

“Yeah.” I grin widely. Donna all nervous and freaked out, holding my hand for protection. How fun is this going to be!? 

“On Halloween?” 

“Yeah, it’ll be fun.” I nod enthusiastically. 

“Josh, I hate scary things.” 

“We’re in the middle of the city. What do you think is going to happen?” 

“What if they take us to a graveyard?” 

“Where?” 

She looks around her and shrugs. “We’re in the middle of the city, Donna.” I chuckle. “Come on, it’ll be fun.” 

“All right.” she says apprehensively, slipping her hand in mine. 

As we approach the rest of the group, the tour guide smiles widely at me. “I’m glad you could join us, Mr. Lyman.” she says. Uh-oh. I look over at Donna who’s arching an interested eyebrow at me. “What?” 

“The tour’s being led by a Lyman `ho?” she asks sweetly dropping her voice. 

“Well, I didn’t know that when I booked the tickets.” 

“Will I become part of this tour later on? They’ll tell stories about how a tour guide hacked up the Deputy Chief of Staff’s girlfriend to pieces during a tour and she now spends eternity shrieking in Lafayette Park?” 

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic.” I say, making a big show of pulling her to my side. 

The tour guide introduces herself as Stephanie and gives a brief introduction of the tour. I’ve seen these before when I’ve come back to the White House after a late meeting. Between you and me, I always thought they’d be kind of cool, but I was never with a woman that would be fun to share it with. Donna will be fun. And I’d like to put a little sidebar in here. In a very apropos of Halloween way, it’s a full moon. Donna’s gonna freak. 

“We can go back if you hate the idea.” I say to her. 

“No, no!” she says quickly. “You’re right. It’ll be a fun way to spend time together. It’s a really original idea. Just...don’t stray too far from me.” 

“Okay.” I laugh and kiss her temple. She immediately settles into my side. I like this. 

“The first stop on the tour is the White House.” Stephanie says, leading the tour over to Pennsylvania Avenue. 

“Oh, fantastic.” Donna says a little too loudly. “Call Toby. There’s no way I’m going back there tonight.” 

“Oh, like it’s a big secret?” I reply. “It’s 200 years old.” 

“There are a few ghosts that are said to haunt the hallowed halls of the White House, but none more so than Abraham Lincoln.” Stephanie says. “Lincoln's ghost has appeared most often in the vicinities of the Lincoln Bedroom and the second floor corridors. There have been several reports of a pacing spirit, pensively posed with his hands clasped behind his back.” 

“That’s not a ghost.” Donna says. “That’s just Josh.” I smirk at her. 

“President Franklin Roosevelt's administration has been reported as the most active time of Lincoln's ghostly visits. In one incident, Queen Wilhelmina of the Netherlands apparently fainted when she came face to face with Lincoln's ghost. 

“Echoing footsteps and knocking on the doors in the middle of the night have been reported by both staff members and visitors. One White House staff member reported that after turning off the lights of the chandelier in the Lincoln bedroom, they came back on for no apparent reason. He rushed into the Lincoln Bedroom, hoping to see the famous ghost. While he did not see a spirit, he did feel an icy cold spot in the room, which he attributed to the ghost of Lincoln. 

“Another staff member arrived at the White House very early in the morning and was shocked to see a very clear ghostly image of Lincoln outside of his former office. The staff member blinked and the apparition was gone. He reported the event to his superior and learned that several other staff members had reported similar encounters. 

“Other ghosts who have been seen at the White House include an angry Dolly Madison when First Lady Ellen Wilson wanted to remove the Rose Garden, a boisterous Andrew Jackson laughing loudly in his former bed chambers the Red Room, a busy Abigail Adams going through the motions of doing laundry and finally, a menacing British soldier trying to set a fire with a blazing torch. Some version of the story of Washington's Demon Cat, place the phantom cat in the White House basement.” 

“Demon Cat!?” Donna shrieks and looks at me mortified. 

“I guess that’s why no one likes the Steam Trunk Distribution Venue.” I shrug. But the Demon Cat is going to stick with her for a while, I think. 

“We have two White House staffers with us tonight.” Stephanie says gesturing to us. “Maybe they can share anything they’ve noticed.” 

“We don’t spend too much time in the Residence.” I reply. “But the Demon Cat in the basement would definitely explain a thing or two.” 

Stephanie beams at me. She finds me charming. 

Donna’s scowling at me. She’s not finding me charming. 

Mental note, no more smiling at the tour guide. 

The group takes a few more moments to admire the White House at night. It does look cool. Too bad every time I look at it, I think about what’s on my desk. 

“Speaking of the Demon Cat,” Stephanie says as she begins to move us on. “It’s also said to haunt the Capitol Building in the area known as the Crypt. It’s said that years go by without a sighting of the cat, but after it shows itself, a national disaster follows.” 

“Well, that’s depressing.” I say to Donna, who merely nods in agreement. 

“A creepy detail of the Demon Cat is that supposedly, it looks like a helpless little kitten, but as you have the misfortune to get a little closer to it, it grows in size and menace.” 

“I think people are just mistaking the Speaker for the cat.” Donna whispers to me and I stifle a laugh. I told you this would be fun with her. 

“The next stop on the tour is the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, or the OEOB as it’s known to staffers around here.” Stephanie says stopping across the street from the massive building. “Now, let’s bypass for a second the fact that it just LOOKS haunted. I mean, that’s a scary looking building.” 

It so is. 

“The OEOB has had it’s fair share of accidental deaths, natural deaths, and suicides. Staff members working overnight in the building have reported seeing apparitions in the early morning hours. However, these ghost-like figures seem to prefer the corridors over the private offices.” 

I have no idea why that would be. 

Donna nudges a little closer at me and looks warily over at the building. “I think I’ll send an intern over there tomorrow instead to get what I need.” 

“Good idea.” I nod. 

“The Stephen Decateur House is definitely one of my favorites.” Stephanie says. “Stephen Decateur was a Naval hero and his house is considered to be one of the most haunted buildings in the area. Commodore Decateur and his wife moved into the house in 1819 and spent the next few months hosting a number of extravagant parties. Years later, while sitting on a trial for his former friend James Barron, Commodore Decateur agreed to a guilty verdict, which expelled Barron from the Navy. A 13 year quarrel between them ensued that ended in a challenge for a duel in Maryland. Unfortunately for the Commodore, he was fatally wounded and died at home. His sad ghost and that of his weeping wife move throughout the house.” 

The group moves on, but Donna and I are stopped by my beeping pager. I sigh as I see Leo’s office line. “I guess this is the end for us.” I say softly, looking at her apologetically. 

“Again.” she says as her face falls. 

“Donna...” 

“I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. I don’t mean to make you feel guilty.” 

“I know.” I say, and start tugging her back in the direction of the White House. “I’m really sorry.” 

“It’s your job, Josh.” she replies. “I’m just starting to fear for Thanksgiving.” 

“We’re going.” I assure her. “Come hell or highwater, we are spending Thanksgiving in Cheeseland.” 

“Josh!” Donna laughs and rolls her eyes as we walk through the front gate. We stop in the lobby and I give her a soft kiss. 

“Let me know if I should head home without you.” 

“You could do that anyway.” I leer. “Get yourself ready for some howling at the moon.” 

“Watch it, you sickie, or I’m going to go down to the basement and find that cat and bring it home. I know how you love cats.” 

I smile wickedly at her and turn towards Leo’s office. I catch a quick glimpse of her falling face as I turn. I know it’s my job, and she knows it’s my job, but she’s disappointed and I hate that. This was promising to be such a fun night and I’m pulled away from her again. 

It used to be that I had my priorities right in line where they were supposed to be. Number one was my job. That was that. There was no number two because number one was all consuming. But now Donna’s number one and number two, my job, is still all consuming. 

TBC


	17. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

JOSH’S POV 

My friends, I am a pig. This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I am a man, and I can be quite piggish. But sometimes it can’t be helped! Donna’s just so hot that sometimes, when she’s just being Donna, I find her sexy as hell and totally irresistible. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. I LOVE Donna when she’s in formal wear; I LOVE Donna, of course, when she’s naked. But she expects that. She’s come to know that when she’s in a formal gown or naked, and I’m sure you can guess which one I prefer, that I am going to worship her. 

But she doesn’t expect moments like this. She’s been talking for a few minutes now, and I don’t know about what. Something to do with election results and tight fought congressional races, I don’t know. I can’t take my eyes off her chest. 

See, here’s the thing. It’s not like she’s sitting here topless or anything. She’s got a pair of pajama pants on and a gray University of Wisconsin t-shirt. The t-shirt is pretty fitted and the word “university” spreads right across her chest, accentuating her...um... assets. She’s got her hair pulled up, and she’s just being Donna talking about...I don’t know what, but that’s basically normal, and gesturing to the t.v. and she’s just got these amazing breasts. 

I lean in to her and start kissing her neck. She, of course, doesn’t miss a beat. “Josh, the dead guy in Orange County is going to win.” 

“Mmm-hmm.” I mumble moving to her jaw. 

“A dead guy, Josh.” she says again. “This is a big deal.” 

“Orange County, yeah.” 

“No, Josh. You don’t understand.” 

“I do. There’s going to be a special election.” I say, pulling back. “I don’t really care right now.” 

“You’re going to in about five minutes.” she says. 

“No, I’m not.” I insist. “See, Donna, right now, I have an overwhelming need that I can’t quite explain, other than the fact that I’m a pig sometimes, to get to your breasts. So, I really don’t care about what’s going on in Orange County.” 

“Joshua...” 

“Yeah, I know. I could have been a little more eloquent there.” 

“No, I mean...” her eyes drift back to the t.v. and then back to me. “Well, this is a pretty good way to fill time.” 

She grabs me by the shirt and pulls me down on top of her. THIS is what I’m saying, mi compadres. This the mother’s milk of making your point and being right or whatever it is she says. 

This, I think, is good. Ever since Halloween, I’ve been making a conscious effort to show Donna that she is what’s most important to me. She is number one; she’s is all I need. Without her, I’m not really happy. Without her, it’s just existing. 

“And we're ready to report some news from the House race in the California 47th where the impossible seems to be happening and we send it to Gail Mackee who's standing in Newport Beach. Gail?” the television drones in the background. But for once, I’m not paying attention. I’ve got my eye on the prize here. 

“Julie, I’m at the Hyatt in Newport Beach with the Horton Wilde campaign and the place is going absolutely beserk. Kay Wilde, the widow of the Democratic challenger, just received a phone call from Congressman Chuck Webb. He’s conceding the election, thanking Mrs. Wilde for a well-fought campaign, and he’s looking forward to running in a special election.” 

“Oh my God.” Donna breathes, and I get the sinking feeling that this doesn’t have anything to do with anything I’m doing to her neck right now. 

“Gail, is there any word on who the Democrats might run in the special election?” 

“No, there isn't. Not yet. But I can report a rumor that's been making its way around. The former Orange County resident and current White House Senior Advisor Sam Seaborn will seek that seat.” 

“Whoa! WHAT did they say!?” I yelp and sit up. Donna sighs loudly next to me. My jaw drops as a picture of Sam appears on television. What the hell is going on? 

Donna sits up and looks at the t.v. She doesn’t look too surprised. Her hand comes up and rubs my back a bit. 

That’s when it hits me. 

I am unable to achieve balance in my life. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

DONNA’S POV 

“Whoa! WHAT did they just say?” Josh yelps sitting up and looking at the t.v. I sigh loudly. I shouldn’t be annoyed. After all, I knew this was coming. Well, sort of. I knew Sam made an off the cuff promise to this campaign manager in Orange County. In a million years, Sam didn’t think the dead guy would win. 

I lift my hand and rub Josh’s back a bit, he turns his head and looks back at me for a long moment. His expression is completely unreadable. Then he blinks and looks back at the t.v. 

“I can’t believe this.” he whispers. “Did you know about this?” 

“Kinda.” I wince and he looks at me again. “Sam made a totally off the cuff promise to the widow. He just wanted to give her some hope. He never expected Wilde to win.” 

Josh falls back to the cushions and looks to me. “If Sam gave his word, he has to run.” 

“Yeah.” 

Josh’s cell phone predictably starts screaming. He picks it up off the table and smirks as he sees Sam’s number. “Seaborn for Congress.” he answers. Smart ass. “Sam! I just saw the strangest thing on television...yeah...oh, I bet Toby’s freaking out...yeah, I’ll be right in...” 

He stands up and looks down at me. I try with all my might to hide my disappointment. I swear to God, I do. I don’t think it works. 

“You know what, Sam? On second thought, you’ll still be running for congress in the morning. I’ll see you then.” he says. That odd expression is back on his face and he sits back down facing me. “You better go tell Leo and the President though. Oh, and good luck with Toby.” 

He snaps his phone shut and tosses it on the table. He brings his hand up to my cheek and kisses me.... and kisses me.... and kisses me, gently pushing me back into the pillows. I know better than to say a word about Sam’s secret right now. His cell phone starts to ring and he doesn’t answer it. It’s probably Toby. If it were of vital importance, his pager would go off, and that is blissfully silent. 

I shift myself, so I’m stretched out beneath him as he pulls my shirt over my head. The breasts he’s been so determined to get at are there for the...well, getting, and he wastes no time. 

He tips his forehead against mine and meets my eyes and sighs deeply, as he runs a hand down my body. These are moments I have longed for and still do; these quiet moments of just us, locked away from the world where the only person he’s important to right now is me. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JOSH’S POV 

“Donna?” I whisper as we lay on the couch after quite the moving sex. I don’t think Donna really knew what was going on in my head there for a while. I don’t think she quite understood how desperately I needed to connect with just her at that moment. “Are you sleeping?” 

She’s been dozing at my side on the couch. We really should move to the bed, but neither one of us has been inclined to move for a while. 

“No.” 

“I’ve been thinking about something lately, and I don’t know how you’re going to react to it.” 

“This isn’t a very promising conversation opener, Josh.” 

“Well, I didn’t want to say anything until we knew whether we won or lost.” I say. 

She props her chin up on my chest and looks at me. “What’s going on?” 

“I’ve been...” I can’t believe I’m going to put this thought to words. “I’ve been thinking of resigning.” 

“What?” she’s stunned to say the least. She sits up and pulls her clothes on. Good call. This is a discussion we should have clothed where I can’t be distracted by...things, so I reluctantly do the same. “Resign?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I don’t understand. Why would you want to do that? You love your job.” 

“Not as much as I love you.” I say shaking my head. 

“Josh...” 

“Donna, I can’t find it.” I interrupt running my hand down my face. “I can’t find the balance. I can’t find the happy medium for you and my job. It gets more and more demanding with each day, and you and I are together less and less. It’s killing me slowly, Donna. I can’t make it all fit together.” 

“You don’t have to, Josh.” she says softly, running her finger down my face and then picking up my hand. “I love you, and I want to be with you, and I understand about your job, remember?” 

I sigh deeply. She pulls me to her and we lay back down on the couch. I hug her tightly and press my cheek to her chest. I’m very frustrated. I can’t put to words what I mean, which is a strange situation for a guy like me to find himself in. 

I have never had everything I wanted, and I still don’t, but I’m pretty close. I’ve got the job that I’ve worked so hard my entire adult life to get, and I’ve got the girl that I’ve hoped with every fiber of my being since I met her that I could have. And she’s here with me now, saying these wonderful things and they don’t make me feel better because I can’t express to her what my problem is. 

This thing she and I have, this devotion this one person has for me is everything I wanted before I even knew it. My job is great and encompasses a lot of who I am, but I never dreamed I’d be half of this amazing whole Donna and I make up. I can’t see this thing that surrounds us, but I can feel it. She’s the substance of everything I’ve hoped for. 

I tighten my arms around her, and she gently strokes my hair. I’ve never not been able to figure out way out of a problem. I’ve never not been able to solve a problem through clever strategy. And I’ve certainly never lost faith in my ability to do so. 

TBC


	18. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

DONNA’S POV 

My parents doorbell rings. “That must be Oliver and Megan.” My mother says. She gets up from the couch and moves to the living room. Josh watches her go to the door. I smile as my brother and his wife enter the house. I’m about to get up and greet them when I’m none so gently hurled off the couch and yanked out of the living room and into the kitchen by the opposite door. 

“Holy shit, Donna!” Josh yelps in a whisper. “I know your sister in law!” 

“What? That’s impossible. How could you know her?” 

“She’s from Greenwich, right?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Her maiden name is Carrington.” 

“I don’t know; I think so.” 

He looks incredibly freaked out right now. What are the odds here? 

“I have to talk to you.” he says abruptly yanking me out of the kitchen and up the stairs to my bedroom. 

“Donna!” my mother calls. 

“Yeah, I’ll be down in a minute!” I call back right before Josh slams my door and locks it for good measure. 

“Josh, what the hell is going on? How could you know Megan?” 

“Well, Greenwich and Westport are pretty affluent towns, my father had a lot of clients in Greenwich and they move in the same social circles.” 

“Money seeks out money?” I ask dryly. 

“Well, yeah.” Josh nods. 

“Joshua, did you date Megan?” 

“No.” He says quickly. “Her sister, and for a long time.” 

“It didn’t end well, did it?” I deduce. 

“It’s not so much how it ended, as it’s the fact that it did end.” 

“There’s a story here.” 

“Oh yeah.” 

I sit down on the bed and look up at him expectantly. He doesn’t join me. He chooses to pace in front of me. Uh-oh. Pacing is never a good sign. He’s nervous. What I don’t know is if he’s nervous about what my reaction is going to be or seeing Megan herself. 

“Okay, so Megan’s sister’s name is Christie. We met at some party our junior year in high school. Long story, short, we dated right through my second year at Harvard.” 

My jaw drops. “You dated for four years?” 

“Yeah.” 

Wow. That’s something. I’ve never heard of Josh being with someone that long. 

“Christie went to Radcliffe.” He continues. Of course she did. “See, back then and in those towns around those people, when you’re with someone that long, certain things become expected of you.” 

“Your parents wanted you to get married?” I ask. 

“EVERYBODY wanted us to get married. All of the sudden, wherever we went people were talking about it and asking us about it. They were talking about it like it was already being planned. Christie had dresses picked out and bridesmaids picked out.” 

“Why didn’t you ever tell me you were engaged before?” I ask shaking my head. 

“I WASN’T!” he says adamantly. “Donna, I wasn’t engaged. I never even asked her. My whole life was being planned for me and it was running away without me. There was a date picked out and everything. Nobody bothered with the fact that I never asked her, including Christie. It was just assumed that when I graduated law school I’d ask her and we’d get married.” 

“Didn’t you love her?” 

“No. Well, I guess.” he hedges. “I don’t know. I must have thought I did to stay with her that long.” 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“I didn’t want to disappoint my parents.” he says quietly. “All my mother has ever expected from me was to have a family and give her a bunch of grandkids. She didn’t know I was screaming inside. She didn’t know that I had no intention of falling into the trap of that life.” 

“Well, obviously you broke up with her.” 

“I did.” he nodded. “It didn’t come for a while. It was easy for me to hide at Harvard, well, not so much from her because she was at Radcliffe, but from everyone else. It was messy. I mean, really messy. I tried for it to not be messy, but there was nothing I was going to say that was going to make it look any better to her. Once I had made that decision and I felt like I had my life back, I threw myself into studying.” 

There’s a lot of mysteries about Josh that are falling into place right now; why relationships never seem to work; why he can’t seem to break up with anybody and just avoids them until they break up with him. 

“Is that how you feel now?” I whisper up at him. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Like your life is running away without you?” 

“Yes.” he whispers back and I look down at my hands. He drops to his knees in front of me and lifts my chin. I can’t hide the tears. “Not your part of it though, Donna. You’re right where I want you to be.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Donna, I thought at one time you were going to die, and my only thought then was that I’d follow you. Yeah, I’m sure.” 

I smile at him and he kisses me. “Are you mad at me?” 

“No. Why would I be mad at you?” 

“I never told you about her.” 

“I never told you about all my boyfriends.” 

“I don’t want to know!” he insists quickly. 

“I’m not mad.” 

“Megan was.” 

“I’ll bet.” I chuckle. “That sounds like just thing to send her over the edge. She’d always get so mad when I talked about my job and I always assumed that it was either because I worked for a Democratic President or that I worked in general.” 

“No, I’m sure her blood started to boil every time you mentioned my name.” 

“So, you feel like Leo and the President are running away with your career and you can’t stop it?” 

Josh has been frustrated lately. When he gets called into work at all hours of the night and morning, it leaves him in a bad mood for days. I can charm him out of it for a little while, but inevitably he falls back into his funk. I know he loves his job, but he feels like he can’t find the balance. I don’t know what balance he’s looking for because I don’t feel neglected, not intentionally neglected anyway, and I’ve been going out of my way not to pressure him or show my disappointment when he gets called away. At least, I’ve been trying hard. I don’t know if I’ve always been successful. 

“They’re trying to draw me into a life I don’t know if I want.” He says softly. “Or at least I don’t know if I’m ready for.” 

“You’re ready, Josh.” I say quietly. 

“Maybe experience wise, but not emotionally, Donna.” he insists. “Donna, the things I hear and see now... I can’t put some of it to words. But, you and I are just starting out. We don’t have years behind us here. And even if you make the argument that we’ve known each other for years and have been close for years, what’s to say it’s not going to destroy us?” 

Oh, he’s ready for me. He’s got this whole doom thing figured out in his head already. 

“Josh, listen to me.” I say. “You’re meant to do this, Josh. It’s four years, it’s not the rest of your life. You’re meant to be here, now and with me. I am not Jenny McGarry and I am not Christie. I’m Donna.” 

He seems mildly placated, but I can tell that I don’t have the answer he’s looking for. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JOSH’S POV 

Megan’s been eyeing me like the cat that ate the canary all day. When a situation has called for her to say something to me, it’s been cold and aloof. I don’t particularly care myself. I’m used to dealing with cold women and I certainly deal with plenty of people that don’t like me, but I don’t want things to be uncomfortable for Donna’s parents. Oliver doesn’t seem phased by his wife’s attitude. Lynn and Bob seem almost entertained. There were a few moments when Megan started a political sparring with me and I won. I damn near thought Lynn was going to clap at one point. 

I confess that I’ve been unusually clingy with Donna. I’m generally a tactile person when it comes to her, but I’ve been sneaking more kisses and just general signs of affection. I don’t know if it’s for Megan, for Donna, for me, or all three of us. 

By some outstandingly bad luck, Megan and I end up in the kitchen alone together. Didn’t you just know that was coming? 

Megan shoots me yet another look and I finally just snap. 

“All right, just say it.” I say. “Just say it so we can move past it.” 

“Say what?” she asks, her voice oozes fake niceness. 

“Whatever it is you’ve been waiting to say to me if you ever saw me again.” 

“My sister was devastated, Josh.” 

Weak opening on her part. 

“So was I.” I reply. “I was honest with your sister. We wanted two different things.” 

“You strung her along.” Megan replies finally turning to face me full on. 

“Maybe.” I concede. “But that’s because I knew I was going to break her heart and I was dreading it. It may be hard for you to believe, Meg, but I cared a lot about your sister. We were together for four years. But you tell me, how is that different than what your sister was doing to me?” 

“Oh, and what was that?” 

“She was planning my whole life and not listening to a thing I had to say about it. Yes, I was going to law school, but I told her I had no intentions of being a lawyer, yet, she had it in her head that I was going to work with my dad. I told her I wanted to move to Washington, yet she was picking out houses in Greenwich and Boston.” 

“She had goals, Josh.” 

“So did I!” 

“She’s married now.” Megan says quietly. 

“Good for her.” I choke out. “She got what she wanted.” 

“Not good for her, Josh.” Megan replies. “He’s terrible for her. He’s stifling. He wants to keep her in the role of the good little wife and she doesn’t want that.” 

“But she wanted me to be in the role of the good husband. You don’t find that ironic, Megan? She wanted to put me in the exact position she’s in now? I’m sorry she’s not happy, Megan, I really am, but she wasn’t going to be happy with me either. I don’t know if you’ve caught on, but I’m extremely unpleasant when I’m unhappy.” 

“Oh, I think that shines through pretty brightly.” she actually smiles. 

“Listen, you can hate me all you want, Megan, but you also chose to not have that life. You married a teacher and he’s a great guy.” 

“I’m happy with him. I just want that for my sister.” 

“It wasn’t going to be with me.” I say shaking my head. “I was meant for Donna, Megan. I love her more than anything on this planet, and you’re going to need to make your peace with me because I AM marrying Donna.” 

“Does she know this?” Megan chuckles. 

“Yes.” I reply. 

“Well, Josh,” Megan says as she picks up dessert plates. “You can’t expect me to completely like you. You’re liberal, you’ve got NO healthcare plan, and we’re stuck with you for another four years.” Okay. This is ground I can stay on. “Oh, AND you’re shacking up with my sister in law.” 

“Hey! I smacked that guy down!” 

“I thought you were going to rip his throat out.” 

“Oh, but for the television cameras.” I reply following her out of the kitchen, where Donna looks none to surprised at the fact that Megan and I were trapped in the kitchen. In fact, none of the Mosses look like they’re concerned at all. Megan and I were obviously set up. 

“Well, you both survived.” Lynn notes taking the plates from Megan. “There might be room for you both in this family after all.” 

“Not unless someone shrinks his ego by half.” Megan mutters, helping her mother in law set the table. 

Okay, so I have to fight with SOMEONE at family holidays, right? 

TBC


	19. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

DONNA’S POV 

“So, you hate my boyfriend.” I say to Megan as we’re washing dishes. 

“I thought he was your fiancé.” 

“Not yet.” 

“Interesting how he still ends up my brother in law.” 

“You were destined to be related.” I snark. 

“Yay!” she says with mock enthusiasm, but it’s more snarky than mean. “I don’t know.” she shrugs. “You and I know a different Josh.” 

“You know a younger Josh.” 

“Is the older Josh wiser?” she asks me. 

“Yes.” I say unequivocally. She arches a skeptical brow at me. “Meg, he gave me a job when I really needed one and had no experience.” 

“Donna, honey, he had nothing to lose on you. You weren’t on salary for months and you were, and still are, a young, beautiful, blonde. Why wouldn’t he want to have you around?” 

I look down at the carving knife I’m drying and I’m tempted to stick it in her ear. 

“I’m not trying to pick a fight.” Megan says quickly, though she could have fooled me. “I’m just saying that it was a very vulnerable time in your life then. And whatever his reasons were then for hiring you, yes, good came from it. You’ve grown a lot and you’re reaching your potential. And if he had something to do with that, well, then good. I’m just saying, I don’t know him like that and it’s going to take a while for me to get the know who he is now.” 

“Well, I know him very well.” I say, turning to her and putting a hand on my hip and leaning on the counter with the other one. “I have a very hard time believing that the idea you have of him in your head was the way he was. He said it was very hard for him to break up with your sister. He went out with her for four years, that remains to this day, the longest relationship he’s ever had. He threatened a senator with bodily harm on national television for insinuating unpleasant things about me.” 

“I know. I saw.” 

“The President wasn’t very happy with him for that, Meg. There will probably be political repercussions for him for that. You saw him through your pissed off sister’s eyes. I’m not asking you to be instant friends, but you need to accept the fact that that was over 15 years ago at this point. I’ve walked through the fires of hell for him once, and I’ll do it again. I love him, and I’m going to make him part of this family.” 

I leave her by the sink and exit the kitchen. Josh is there, and he grabs my wrist and practically drags me upstairs. When we get to my room, he kicks the door shut and attaches his lips to my neck. “You’re really hot when you’re defending my honor, you know.” 

“She had it coming.” I say breathlessly, holding his head in place. “She and I hardly ever get along anyway.” 

He stops, picks his head up and looks me right in the eyes. “All that stuff she said, you know that’s not true, right?” 

“Yes,” I smile. “Of course I do.” 

“A lot of people think that.” 

“I know, but I was never one of them.” 

“I’m not too concerned about her, Donna. I’ve got your mom on my side.” 

“You really do.” I smile as he turns us and leads us over to the bed. “She just loves you.” 

“Hey.” He says abruptly picking up his head. “You want to go away for Christmas?” 

“What?” 

“Christmas.” he repeats. “The holiday you completely lose your mind over every year. Do you want to go away with me this year?” 

“Well, it’s hard to say no when you put it like that, Josh. Where?” 

“I don’t know. Somewhere close, a bed and breakfast, but just away from Washington.” 

“Is that even possible?” I ask. 

“Sure, why not?” 

I look at him for a long moment until he gets my unspoken meaning. “Well, I made it through Thanksgiving.” he says softly. 

“So far.” I reply. 

“Donna...” 

“I’m sorry.” I say quickly. “I know I’ve been doing a really bad job of trying to not make you feel bad. I know it’s not easy for you, and I’m not helping.” I move away from him and flop down on the bed. 

“It’s not that.” he says. He doesn’t join me on the bed. He stays standing in the middle of the room and rubs his face with his hands. “I just keep thinking that resigning is the best thing for me.” 

I sit back up and look at him in astonishment. This is the second time he’s brought this up in a matter of weeks. This job is his life. It’s everything he’s ever wanted. 

“Josh, you can’t do that.” I reply. “You can’t give up everything you’ve ever wanted for me. I won’t let you.” 

“That’s not everything I ever wanted anymore, Donna.” He says firmly. “YOU are everything I want.” 

“Josh, if you gave up your job, the second something big happened, you’d regret it.” I reason. 

“That’s not true.” he insists, but he doesn’t argue with my glare to the contrary. 

“And what about the other side of the coin?” I ask. “If you leave the White House, am I supposed to leave the White House, too?” 

It’s obvious from the look on his face that he hadn’t thought of that yet. Truth be told, I hadn’t thought of it either until it came out of my mouth. But I’m under no delusions. If Josh left the White House, I’d leave, too. I love my friends, but our relationship would never survive if I still worked in the seat of power and he didn’t. Besides, he’s why I like working there. I was always swept up in his passion and excitement for what he did. I should probably tell him that. 

“I guess I never thought of that.” he admits. “I’m still trying to adjust to the idea that you don’t work for me anymore. I always saw us as a team.” 

“So did I.” I nod. “But the team was broken up professionally, so it’s different now.” 

“I know if you left, I wouldn’t want to be there anymore.” 

“The same holds true for me, Josh.” I confess. “I do like what I do with Sam and Toby now, maybe not as much as I liked what we did together, but I do like my job. But, Josh, you’re what I like best about working there. Your passion for your work is infectious. I started caring about things I never cared about before. I think you’re meant to be there right now.” 

“Yeah.” is all he says as I watch his face fall. 

I’m starting to think that things are running deeper than I originally thought. I’ve thought all this time that he was just unsure about the new added responsibility to his job. I thought that he was afraid to disappoint Leo and the President. He seems so disappointed right now. Is he unhappier than he’s been letting on? For someone who’s as tuned to him as I claim to be, I think I’ve been missing the mark. 

“But, Josh,” I continue and he looks back at me. “I don’t want you to be unhappy.” 

“Well, you just said you love your job and I don’t want you to be unhappy either, so I guess we’re in a classic Catch 22.” 

“I’ll leave.” I instantly reply. 

“Donna, you can’t be the one forever compromising.” he sighs, and I can hear his frustration. 

“I said I LIKE my job, Josh. I LOVED my old job.” 

“Well, I don’t have an alternate plan, so all this is moot anyway.” he dismisses with a wave of his hand. 

He’s dropping an argument? That’s not like him. Not with work; and not with me. Now I’m really getting a clear picture of his frustration. Whatever it is that he’s seeing as his problem, he’s not seeing a way out of and conceding defeat. And THAT is not my Josh. 

TBC


	20. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

DONNA’S POV 

Josh comes barreling into my cubicle like his pants are on fire. “Come on, let’s go.” He says quickly. 

“Where?” 

“Just come on. Hurry up. Shut your computer off.” he says hastily, grabbing my coat and tote bag. 

“What’s the hurry? Did you plant a bomb or something?” 

“The President and Leo just left for Camp David.” he says hastily. “I’m going AWOL.” 

“Josh!” I laugh as he drapes my coat over my shoulders. “It’s only 2 o’clock. I’ve got stuff to get done.” 

“And you’ve got a laptop with which to do it on later.” 

“Maybe some of us aren’t in a position to blow off work.” I tease. 

“Donna, I’m the Deputy Chief of Staff. STAFF. That still includes you. Maybe you’ve been buried in there, but you report to Sam and Toby, who in theory are supposed to report to me, though I’ve never seen any evidence of that, so in the end, I’m still your boss and I’m ordering you to leave the building with me right now.” 

Oh no, he did not. 

I arch a brow at him. 

“Donna,” he says with a sigh and his face is pleading with me. “I need to get out of here and clear my head before something happens and I can’t.” 

My heart goes out to him and I can’t deny him when he needs me like this. 

“Okay.” 

He drops all our stuff in the back seat of the car and I’m surprised when we don’t actually head home. “We’re not going home?” 

“No.” 

“I thought this was a whole you needed sex thing.” 

“No.” he laughs. “Though if you want me to pull over, I’m on board.” 

I smack his arm for being a pig as he turns down Connecticut. 

“Where are we going?” I demand. 

“Here.” he says turning into the National Zoo. 

I scrunch up my face and look over at him, but I can’t hold it. I start to smile. “We’re going to the zoo in December?” 

“It’s decorated for the holidays. I thought you’d want to see it.” 

I smile at him and can’t contain my girly glee. He parks the car and I fling myself across the seats at him, raining kisses on his face. 

“I thought you needed to relax.” 

“I do.” 

“You’re going to relax at the zoo?” 

“I relax with you. I thought this would make you happy.” 

“You make me happy, Joshua.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JOSH’S POV 

“So this who?” 

“Mei Xiang and Tian Tian.” Donna says, reading off the panda names. 

“And they replaced Hsing Hsing and Ping?” 

“Ling.” 

“Not Ping? 

“Maybe Ping.” she says. “Tai Shan is the baby.” 

“One of them is a baby? They look the same size.” 

“Well, one’s a baby.” 

“Toby did a good job.” I nod. “He got us good pandas.” 

“I don’t think it had much to do with Toby.” she laughs. 

“Probably not.” 

She grabs my hand in hers and we walk along heading towards the elephants. I just wanted to be out of the White House. I feel like I’m a pendulum in my own life, swinging back and forth between my life and my job. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get it to stop in the middle. 

Donna came to my rescue though, as per usual. She doesn’t know I know, but Leo let the cat out of the bag. Donna called my mother. During that conversation, she casually mentioned I talked about wanting to go away for Christmas but we couldn’t go far because she didn’t think we could really stray far from Washington. 

My mother called Leo. 

Because that wasn’t incredibly mortifying or anything. Leo gave me grief about it for an hour. 

My mother’s a pro though. She saw her opportunity to get me and the woman I’m seeing down there and she pounced. She used to try to get me to bring Amy down and I was never inclined to. I think that’s my mother’s test to see how serious I am about a woman. I never considered introducing Amy to my mother. I felt guilty bringing her home to mom because she wasn’t Donna. 

Of course, Donna and my mother are friends. They talk all the time on the phone and they spent a lot of time together when my mother came to Washington after I was shot. 

My mother listened to my voice when I told her Donna was in the hospital and started to drive to the airport. I finally convinced her she didn’t have to fly to DC to be with me. It was easy to do, since I didn’t think to actually call her until after Donna was out of the woods from that infection and I was much less of a basketcase. 

We head into the gift shop before we leave and Donna nearly bursts into tears as I toss her the stuff panda I bought her. She’s so girly sometimes. I groan and roll my eyes as I realize this little thing is going to end up on her desk at work and it’s going to give people license to make fun of my manhood relentlessly. 

But I also realize, I don’t care about that. I can handle the ribbing from the guys at work if she keeps smiling at me like this. 

I think this is all I truly needed today. Today was no different than any other day per say. Nothing of note actually happened. But it’s the same pressure I’ve been feeling for months and I just want a break from it. 

What I really need is a plan. There’s got to be a way out of this. There’s got to be some kind of resolution that doesn’t entail shooting my career in the foot or disappointing a dozen people. 

When we arrive back home, I see the panda bear poking out of the top of her tote bag. Yeah, I’m a goner at work. 

Donna slips out of her heels and peels her coat off, letting it slide slowly down her arms. She casts a look at me over her shoulder and saunters away. I smile and drop my backpack on the kitchen table. I’m just about to start going through the mail, it is only 5 o’clock after all, when I hear the bathtub start to run. 

My eyebrows hike up to my hairline and I start peeling off my own clothes, as I move to the bathroom. She settles into the tub and turns on the jets. She closes her eyes and sighs, then looks up at me and crooks her finger. I’m about to dive into the tub when she says, 

“Socks.” 

“Shit!” I yelped. I quickly pull them off and step in behind her. 

This tub is probably the only reason why I’ve kept this place. It does wonders for my back. I lean back against the tub and she leans back against me. 

“Feel better?” she asks. 

“Mmmm.” I say dropping my head back and closing my eyes, but they pop back open when she straddles my lap and her hands go to work on my shoulders. 

“You’re very tense, Joshua.” she whispers in a voice I only hear when she’s naked. 

“Please tell me you have a plan for that.” 

“Josh-u-a,” Ooohhh I love THAT voice! “When have I ever not been on top of something?” 

“Oh dear Lord.” I groan as I press my palms to my eyes and her hands slip under the water and begin working their magic. 

I sink down further into the tub as I immerse myself in Donna’s tender, and sometimes not so tender, touch. When I went to her earlier, my plan wasn’t sex. It was just to be with her and recharge my batteries. But, Donna is in tune with me. Donna is finely tuned to me. 

It’s a near perfect evening. It would be completely perfect if I came up with some kind of plan. 

TBC


	21. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

DONNA’S POV 

If there’s one thing that I have shamelessly indulged in since I met Josh, it’s watching him play basketball with the President and rest of the guys. It’s Will’s induction into the favored past-time and unfortunately for him, I think he’s taking the brunt of Josh’s recent frustration. Obviously, Josh can’t body check the President, Charlie’s too good for him, and Toby...well, Toby wouldn’t stand for it. 

Not that Josh is being a bully. 

At least not physically. 

I guess it’s his own kind of hazing. He’s been finding CJ’s hazing of Will funny, but not enough to actually participate in it or anything. 

We’re down in the White House gym. The President prefers to play outside, but it is, after all December, and he’s taken great joy in reminding the guys what wusses they are for not wanting to be outside. I think they just don’t want to be in view of the press. Josh is from Connecticut. He can handle the cold. 

He’s got a great body though. I love to watch it move, and when he’s all sweaty, I find him extremely sexy. 

I will admit that I’m clearly ogling him right now. But that was just a byproduct of my observations lately. He’s extremely frustrated and can’t seem to find his way out. I’ve seen him frustrated like this before, but it came hand in hand with a PTSD episode, as a matter of fact, the very first one. I’m reasonably confident that that’s not what’s going on here, but since then, he’s handled stress differently than everyone else. 

He’s starting to become withdrawn, and that’s not good for anyone, especially me. Josh is chatty, and being a chatty person myself, I like that. I don’t like when he broods. He’s particularly hard to reach. He’s done a lot more listening to me than he normally does. I don’t mean like, I tell him what to do and he listens and does it. I mean, he just seems content listening to me talk, rather than participating in the conversation. I’m not sure if I’m making sense. 

Will drops breathless into the bleachers with me, as the President switches him out for one of the secret service guys. 

I’ve gotten to know Will better than Josh has since we’re both working on the Inaugural together. I bring him the research, sometimes already drafted, he either polishes it or drafts it and brings it to Toby, where Toby destroys it all back down to my research. Will’s freaked out by being here. He was supposed to have a meeting in the Oval with the President about some of the passages in the speech. When Toby couldn’t make the meeting, Will dragged me down with him. He’d already had one disasterous meeting with the President and thought I could deflect another one. 

What Will didn’t know was that when the President and I get together, our geeky sides come out and it becomes more of a surreal Jeopardy episode and we frequently get sidetrack. So after that train wreck of a meeting (well, it wasn’t for me), he got reamed out by Toby for it. “Everybody knows that when Donna and the President get together it’s a battle of the nerds.” 

Unfortunately for Toby, he had said that at a moment when I was particularly frustrated at figuring out how to help Josh that I took it heart, which I never do with Toby, and then Josh reamed Toby out. Then Toby reamed Will out again for making him so frustrated that he upset me and then got yelled at by Josh. 

It was a rather draining day. 

“I’m thinking I’ve offending Josh in another life.” Will pants before taking a sip of his water. 

“Why?” 

“Is he always this aggressive in a basketball game?” 

“Yes. They all are.” I said. “It’s how they get their frustrations out and get the creative juices flowing again.” 

“But, I heard there were poker games. Why can’t we just do that?” 

“You do whatever the President is in the mood for.” 

“He switched me out for that guy.” 

“When the President’s team is behind, he usually cheats and calls in a ringer. He’s brought in professional basketball players before. I guess he didn’t have one handy. Derek there is pretty good. The President brings him in all the time.” 

“I don’t think Josh and I are connecting very well.” he confesses. “It seems like he doesn’t like anything I bring him.” 

“I told you, Will, you’re not Sam. They’re just getting used to you not being Sam. Josh brought Sam on.” 

“I don’t think it’s that.” Will says. “I think it’s something else. That I expect when he hacks up the legislative sections. I think he just doesn’t like me.” 

“Josh likes everyone.” I reply shaking my head. 

“Maybe it’s because I work so closely with you.” Will smiles. “I heard him bitch Toby out that day and stories of his protectiveness of you are legendary around here.” 

“They’re also extremely blown out of proportion.” I smile. “Don’t worry about it, Will.” 

Leo comes onto the court and all eyes are on him. They usually are, but he seems particularly out of place being the only one on a basketball court in a suit. 

“Sorry to break up the fun, but I need the President and Josh.” 

Josh looks over at me with an unreadable expression. I push myself off the bleachers, leaving Will behind and run over to him. The President and Leo are already walking out. 

“Guess I’m not going home.” 

“It’s okay.” 

“As per usual.” 

“Josh...” 

“Sorry.” 

“Christmas is next week.” I smile brightly, trying to cheer him up and run my hands up and down his arms. I can actually feel the tension returning to his body. 

“Yeah.” 

“I’ll get you dinner.” 

“Thanks.” 

He kisses me on the forehead and disappears with the President and Leo. 

I’m trying to fight back my own tears as CJ catches me on the way to the mess. 

“The game’s over, I take it?” 

“Yeah.” I reply, trying not to meet her eyes. 

“Everything all right?” 

Damn. That didn’t work too well. 

“Yeah.” I lie. 

“Doesn’t look like it.” 

“You know, CJ, sometimes you’re just too damn perceptive.” 

“It sounds like you could use the ear of a friend.” 

I stop and look at CJ. She looks so concerned. There are no traces of our press secretary, just our friend. Our friend that was in our corner when Josh and I got together. Her standing there looking like my big sister is my undoing and I come apart in the corridor. 

Her eyes widen and she drags me into the mess. It’s empty at this time of night, but she drags me over to the corner anyway. She gets two beers from the night worker and returns to our little table. 

“Dish, sister.” 

“I just...I don’t know, CJ.” I say quietly wiping my eyes. “I’m not sure how much I should tell you.” 

“It’s about Josh.” she concludes and I nod. 

“Well, remember what I told you about how he was in the hospital.” 

I nod again. 

“He trusted me then with his feelings for you before he’d told anyone else, Donna.” CJ said. “It was the only time I’d ever seen him unguarded, other than, you know, outside the Newseum. I promise to keep the friend switch on and leave the press secretary and member of the Bartlet Administration turned off.” 

CJ’s so genuinely concerned that I spill my guts, and damn if it doesn’t feel good. 

“He’s just so frustrated all the time, CJ. He thinks he can’t find the balance between work and me, and I keep telling him again and again that I understand; that it’s not going to be this way forever and what he’s doing is important. But every time he has to break plans or gets pulled away from me, he gets more and more depressed. I don’t think he wants to do what he’s doing, CJ. He’s mentioned resigning more than once. He’s staying right now because I like working here, but it’s eating away at him. I don’t know what else to say to him.” 

“Wow.” CJ says. 

“I know.” I agree, taking a sip of my beer. 

“No, for a second I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant.” 

“PREGNANT!?” I shriek. “Then why did you give me a beer?” 

“I figured if you were all upset, you could use one.” she shrugs. Sometimes, CJ is just damn funny. 

“Okay, well, I’m not pregnant.” I confirm. I’m surprised to realize that I’m a little sad about that. 

“This I know now.” she says. “This is really a doozy, Donna.” 

“Tell me about it.” 

“I thought this was the job he’d been working towards his whole career.” 

“It was...until I came along.” 

“You can’t blame yourself for this.” she says. “Josh fell in love with you the day you joined the campaign.” 

“Oh come on, CJ.” I scoff. “He did not. If he did, he wouldn’t have gone out with Amy or considered dating Mandy again.” 

“I stand by my statement. There was a change in him from that day. Suddenly, he became a lot more fun to work with, and easier, I might add, with you running his life.” 

“What if he starts to resent me, CJ, for taking him away from the career he loves?” I finally voice my fear. “I mean, I’m not the one asking him to resign, but if he does it because he thinks he’ll be able to spend more time with me, then it’s the same thing and he could see that one day. I don’t think I’m strong enough for something like that. This is what Josh loves.” 

“YOU’RE what Josh loves, Donna.” CJ smiles indulgently at me. “The last thing I want to do is encourage him to leave. He’s vital to us, but I also don’t want to see my friend unhappy. To be honest with you, if Sam loses, I don’t think we’ll see him back here. This job eats your personal life, and it was a sacrifice Josh was willing to make once, but his priorities changed, and he’s not willing to do it anymore. That’s not a bad thing, Donna. He’s grown. And he’s grown because of you. Maybe he’s afraid he’s going to drive you away. You know how he gets about losing people. When he thought he was going to lose you, Donna, he honestly believed he would die. Losing you to another man may not actually kill him, but it’ll strip him of everything he is long enough to do permanent damage.” 

“He would never lose me to another man.” I say adamantly. 

“And I’m sure he knows that on some levels, but deep down, Josh is very insecure and we both know it.” 

I say nothing for a few moments while I digest what CJ is saying. It puts a lot into perspective. I thank her for listening and wander over to order Josh some dinner. My conversation with CJ plays continuously over in my mind. I’m convinced that the solution lies there. 

TBC


	22. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

JOSH’S POV 

“Hey, what are you doing?” Donna greets me, coming into my office. She’s clearly ready to get going. We have a late flight tonight. A flight I’m about to miss. 

“Trying to fix a roof.” 

“What?” 

“The Israelis closed the Church of the Nativity because there’s a hole in the roof. I’m trying to find a U.N. team to go fix it.” 

“Tonight?” 

“It’s Christmas Eve, Donna, the Church of the Nativity can’t be closed.” 

“Are you all right?” 

“Sure. Everything’s coming up fucking roses.” 

She blinks quickly, shaking off my snappy comment, and I’m immediately sorry. She doesn’t deserve to take the brunt of my latest disappointment. 

“I’m sorry.” I sigh. 

“It’s okay.” she tries to smile. 

“It’s not okay!” I nearly shout and she turns to push my door shut. Great. Looks like it’s time for my Christmas meltdown. I’m about to hand her yet another disappointment in the world of dating   
Josh, another letdown. Let’s see if this is the one that makes her leave me. 

“I understand, Josh.” 

“I don’t want you to understand anymore, Donna.” I snap again. “I don’t want to have to tell you that Christmas is ruined because I can’t get away from work. AGAIN!” 

“It’s not ruined, Josh.” she says softly. “If I’m with you, then nothing’s ruined.” 

I snort and look at her. “You say that now, Donna, but what happens when New Years is ruined? Then Easter? Then our summer vacation? What happens when I miss your birthday?” I’m on a roll now. “Donna, how long are we going to go until I lose you to a guy that can actually give you the attention you deserve? How long until I push you away just like I inevitably do with everyone else in my life?” 

She shakes her head at me, but I don’t give her the opportunity to speak. 

“There’s Josh. So caught up in work that he never seems to let go and have fun. There’s Josh; lost the only woman he’s ever loved because politics runs his fucking life. He’s too fucking loyal to somebody else’s idea that he can’t follow his own freaking heart just this once.” 

“Josh,” she says softly. She looks incredibly concerned right now. I’ve seen her look this way at me before. Ironically, it was this time last year. 

“I’m sorry.” I whisper. “I’m under a lot of stress and something’s happened that the President and Leo are having problems with.” 

“Something bad?” 

“Yeah, it’s really bad.” 

“Do they know we have a flight to catch?” 

“Of course they know! My mother called Leo, Donna, to make the plans! But in the grand scheme of the world, Josh’s Christmas plans sort of pale in comparison, you know? There’s bigger problems in the world than me disappointing you again.” 

“Josh...” 

“I CAN’T FUCKING DO IT DONNA!” 

There’s a charged silence in the room. Funny, I’ve been here before. I drop down into my chair and blow out a long breath. 

She looks at me, nods once and leaves the room, closing the door behind her. 

Well, looks like I’ve gone and done it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

DONNA’S POV 

That’s. Fucking. It. 

I’m about to get fired and you get to bear witness to it. 

I’m done with this. Josh is going down a very bad path and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to stop it. I could care less about my Christmas plans. He needs the time off. They’re ignoring his needs, and I don’t give a shit about the rest of the world’s problems right now. I care about Josh’s. 

I storm right past Margaret and into Leo’s office. Thankfully, he’s the only one in here. 

“That’s it!” I shout. His eyes widen up at me. “You and the President have finally done it. You’ve driven him right over the edge.” The tears are streaming down my face and I don’t spare a single second to think about the inappropriateness of my meltdown before the Chief of Staff or the lack of professionalism in it. 

“Donna...” He says cautiously and rises out of his chair. 

“A church!? Why can’t ISRAEL deal with their church and find a UN team? This is not the purview for the Deputy Chief of Staff. And the budget!? That one’s just laughable!” 

“Sounds like Donna’s a little disappointed.” I hear the President’s voice and he enters from Leo’s side door. 

“The disappointments I’ve had to endure lately have been no fault of Josh’s.” I say softly. 

“You know, Donna, there’s a certain amount of informality I will tolerate from my staff, and especially from you, but not in front of the President.” Leo warns. 

“Well, you can certainly fire me then, Leo.” I say and my tears continue. “That will definitely solve my problem. Josh won’t stay here without me and then maybe I’ll have the man I fell in love with back. Then maybe the miserable and depressed person he’s become will finally go away!” 

“Donna...” the President begins in his fatherly way. 

“He hasn’t smiled in weeks.” I hiss softly. “And he just yelled at me.” Leo and the President share a glance. “At ME! Do you understand what I’m telling you? We’re leaving tonight for Florida and I could care less if we have your permission or not. You can hold him here physically, but then you get to explain it to the White House Press Corps because I’ll go running right to them.” 

I turn blindly, intent on stalking out of the room when I literally come crashing into Josh’s chest. His arms come immediately around me and one hand starts stroking my hair. “I’m sorry.” He whispers. “I’m okay. I don’t think it’s that. I’m so sorry I yelled at you.” 

“Can you still catch your flight?” the President asks. 

“Yes.” I hiccup to Josh’s shoulder. 

“Go.” the President says to Josh. 

“Sir...” Josh says. I don’t know if he’s going to protest or apologize for my outrageous behavior...again. But the President doesn’t seem to be interested. 

“Have a good holiday.” the President waves. “Relax a bit.” 

I pull away from him and start to tug him out of the room, but the President stops us one more time. 

“Josh?” he says, and we both turn. “You should tell her.” 

“Merry Christmas, sir.” Josh simply replies, and finally I’m allowed to bring him to freedom. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

JOSH’S POV 

Donna’s developing a bad pattern of yelling at Leo and the President when she thinks I got the raw end of the deal. I know that Leo and the President expect me to address it with her, but I really can’t summon the energy or interest right now. 

What matters to me is she got us on the plane. We’re at our cruising altitude now. She’s in the window seat, resting her chin on her hand and gazing out at the Christmas Eve night. 

“What are you doing?” I whisper close to her ear. 

“Looking for Santa.” 

I chuckle and drop my chin on her shoulder. “I think he came early this year.” She turns and drops her head against mine. 

“I think I’m going to get fired.” she smiles. 

“One of these days, the President’s not going to let you yell at him.” 

“Are you mad?” 

“After the way I treated you, Donna, I really don’t think I get to be mad at anything you did.” 

“Josh,” she says, she takes my hand in both of hers, and looks down at them, while I look up at her. “I DO understand when you have to cancel on short notice. And I DO understand there are things you can’t talk to me about. What I can’t stand is watching it eat away at you. You’re so frustrated and stressed out, and that’s not my Josh. If you think you need to leave, then please just leave, Josh. I’ll go with you. You can afford to leave without another job to go to. I doubt you’ll be unemployed for long.” 

“What about you and your job?” 

“Josh!” she laughs. “Come on, I can do what I do for any number of congressmen, senators. I can work for a lobby, the Department of Justice, Treasury, Education. I’m employable. I work there so I can see you.” 

“I don’t think your career should be dependent upon mine.” 

“I don’t think YOUR career should cause this much stress.” 

“It has to.” I say quietly. 

“No, Josh, it doesn’t.” 

“Yes, Donna, it does. I have to get through this. I know it’s crazy. I know I’m at the end of my rope, but I HAVE to master this. I just have to figure out how not to lose you.” 

“You won’t.” she smiles at me like she knows a secret. 

“You say that, but how can I be sure of that?” 

“You’ll see. But that’s for later.” Okay, that was cryptic. “What I want to know now is why you have to keep putting yourself through this?” 

I look at her a long moment. This is what the President wanted me to tell her. This and something else, but I’m not telling her that on an airplane. 

“Because the deal is, one day I’m going to put Sam in the Oval Office and I’ll be his chief of staff. Right now, he’s getting experience running for office and hopefully holding an office and I’m getting experience running a country.” 

Her eyes widen in that endearing way when something comes out of left field and blindsides her. “You’re serious?” 

“Sam’s the real thing, Donna, he’s just not remotely ready.” 

“He thinks you’re smarter than him.” 

“I am smarter than him, that’s why I’m the guy behind the guy.” I smile. 

“This is why you let him go to California.” 

All I can do is nod. 

“When is this supposed to happen?” 

“Not for at least another twelve years. He’s got to hold an office first.” I say running a hand down my face. 

“I can’t...” she says. “You’ve talked about this?” 

“A few months ago.” I nod. “He and the President talked about it over a chess game. So, I have to keep the job as long as I can. I can’t be Chief of Staff, if I can’t handle deputy.” 

She looks down at our hands, then flicks her eyes out the window. Something’s not sitting right with her. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing.” 

Yeah, like I’m going to believe that. 

“Come on, Donna, what’s wrong?” 

“You know, you said you wanted to marry me.” she says abruptly turning back to face me. 

“I do want to marry you.” 

“You don’t think that was something you should have discussed with me?” 

“Of course I think it’s something I should discuss with you.” 

“Then why haven’t you?” 

“Because it’s not serious yet.” 

“No? Sam running for Congress and you staying in a job that’s making you miserable isn’t serious?” 

“Well, I guess it is.” Crap. Boy, did I blow that play. 

“For future reference, Joshua, that’s something to discuss with your wife.” 

“You’re not my wife yet.” 

“Yeah, well...” she drifts off and looks down at our hands. 

“Well what?” 

She sighs, breaks apart from me and digs around in her tote bag, emerging with a velvet jewelry box and hands it to me. “I was going to suggest rectifying that this weekend. My parents are flying in.” 

I flip open the box and am stunned by the platinum and gold wedding bands staring back at me. “I love you, Joshua, and you’re not going to lose me to anyone else. The only way I can make sure you truly know that is this way, and then just sticking around and taking great pleasure in proving you wrong.” 

I look over at her still gaping like a fish. 

“What do you say, Josh? Wanna get married?” 

TBC


	23. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

JOSH’S POV 

I quietly make my way down to my mother’s kitchen. Donna’s parents are back in Wisconsin, and I am a happily married man. I finger the wedding band on my finger as I pour a cup of coffee. 

“Don’t worry, you’ll be used to that ring on your finger soon.” comes my mother’s voice from the kitchen behind me and scares the hell out of me. 

“Jesus!” I jump and turn to her. 

“You’re Jewish, Joshua.” 

“You get the point. Warn a guy.” I reply, turning back to my mug. After fixing my cup, I move to the table and join my mother. 

“The kitchen light is on, honey. I’m just sitting here. You’re the one so lost in thought you didn’t even notice me. I’m old. I don’t have stealth capabilities anymore.” 

“You’re not that old.” I say running a hand down my face. I feel the wedding band slide over my skin and smile. “Sorry we didn’t do the big wedding thing.” 

“Please.” My mother waves her hand. “Now the wait for grandchildren is less.” I chuckle and look down at my mug. “You look older than the last time I saw you, Joshua.” 

“Well, I am slightly older than the last time you saw me.” I smirk. 

My mother’s not finding me amusing at the moment. “But you LOOK it.” she says. “You look older than you are. You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.” 

“See, the funny thing about that, mom, is I actually DO have the weight of the world on my shoulders.” 

“I don’t like this new responsibility you’ve got.” she says. “You’re extremely stressed out.” 

“It’s because I’m not used to it.” I say. “Leo and the President make it look so easy, but they’ve been dealing with stuff for years. I’ve been thrown into the deep end. And you wouldn’t believe some of the stuff I’ve been exposed to.” 

“Josh!” she laughs. “I know the things this country is capable of. And I know the things the world is capable of. I went to school. I studied. I keep up with the news. I’m not asking you to tell me anything, but I’m telling you informed people are not stupid.” 

I pause and look at my mother. “I have to tell Donna something.” I say softly. “I have to tell Donna something so horrible, she’ll probably throw up, mom.” 

“Donna’s stronger than you think she is.” I give a hollow laugh and look up at the light fixture. “She is.” 

“Nobody is strong enough to hear this.” I counter. 

“She’s your wife now, Josh. Give her some credit. After everything the two of you have been through, here she is. She stuck it out. She married you. You’re so afraid of losing everyone you love, but she has proven that won’t be the case with you.” 

“I’m not at the peak of my career, mom.” I reply. “I’ve got another rung on the ladder, and Leo can tell you a thing or two about what his job did to his marriage.” 

“Oh, Joshua, come on.” My mother scoffs. I haven’t heard this voice in years. This is her ‘Josh, you’re not reaching your full potential’ voice. In fact, I haven’t heard this voice since high school. “The White House didn’t ruin that marriage. The McGarrys are dear friends of ours, remember? Leo’s drinking and pill popping ruined that marriage. Leo hides behind the White House because working late hours was easier than going home and dealing with the problems he created when he was drunk and high. The man was a close friend of your father’s, but his job did not ruin his marriage.” 

I sit here gaping at my mother for a minute. We all just assumed that Leo’s crazy work hours were the downfall of his relationship with Jenny. I’ve known Leo since I was a kid and it now occurs to me that I’ve always believed everything he’s said. I’ve always taken it for scripture. Another bad analogy given that I’m Jewish, but you get the picture. Not that I think Leo’s lied to me, but it sounds like he’s in denial about what happened between him and Jenny. 

“You are too young to be Leo.” my mother continues. “And Donna is not Jenny. Jenny grew up in upper crust Chicago society. She never worked a day in her life. Donna and Jenny are from different times and there are different expectations of them and they have different expectations. Donna’s already endured the hardest thing she ever could with you. She’s not going anywhere. You are standing in your own way. She’s very loving and very supportive of everything you do.” 

“She went into Leo’s office and yelled at him so loud, she shook the White House.” I say. I’m a little in awe of things my mother is saying. When did she get so wise? 

“The President and Leo would never have thrown all this on you if you didn’t have the balance in your life. But they can’t do it for you. Relax and take advantage of it. She centers you and that’s what that ring on your finger means. Are you going to be home for dinner every night? No. Are you going to miss things that are important to her? Yes. Does she know that? Of. Course. She. Does.” My mother stands up and I watch her pick up her purse and turn to me. “I’m going shopping. I like to take advantage of the post-Christmas sales. Go find your wife.” 

She kisses me on the forehead and disappears out the front door. I watch the closed door for a minute, before I make Donna a cup of coffee and head upstairs. I need only run it under her nose and her eyes fly open. 

“Is that for me?” she smiles with a cat like stretch. 

“Of course.” 

“You DO love me.” she smiles even wider, sits up and takes the coffee from me. 

“I thought that was glaringly obvious over the last few months.” 

“Mmm...” she sips reverently. 

“I have to tell you something.” I say softly, pushing her hair out of her face. 

“This doesn’t sound good.” 

“It’s not.” 

“Is this something that you should have told me before we got married, but you didn’t and now I can’t make a run for it?” 

“No.” I smile. “It just worked out that way. It’s one of the things the President wanted me to tell you, and I couldn’t tell you on the plane, and then, we landed and it was crazy and I didn’t want to ruin our wedding night with it.” 

We’ve actually been married for two days now. Our parents booked us a suite on our wedding night. It was a nice place. There was a huge jacuzzi tub. We had a lot of sex in that tub. 

“This is one of those things that’s way above your clearance level, but I’m going to tell you anyway because supposedly this is what I’m supposed to do sometimes. So, we’ll give it a shot.” 

“Okay.” she nods. She has NO clue what’s coming. 

I take a deep breath before I plunge in and confirm what Danny had been snooping around about and CJ brought to me before we left. 

“Back in May, the President ordered Qumari’s defense minister assassinated.” I say quickly. 

Her eyes widen. “How?” she breaths astonished. 

“Doesn’t matter.” I shake my head quickly. Some things I still just can’t tell her. 

“I think the UN will think so if they ever find out.” 

“Well, that’s not for us to worry about.” 

“The President being brought up on international charges?” she asks incredulously. “And I imagine Leo, and .... No, Josh. Please tell me you weren’t in on that decision.” 

“I absolutely was not.” I assure. “I found out after the fact. I don’t know who was exactly, but I do know it was something the President agonized over, and I do know that he followed U.S. law to the letter on it.” 

“Oh, good. That’s good to know.” Donna says sarcastically. “That’ll make all the difference when some whack job sets off a bomb in Times Square on New Years in retaliation!” 

“Qumar doesn’t know who’s responsible.” I say immediately. Is this the way this was supposed to go? 

“Don’t they?” she snaps. “Is that stuff they think about, Josh? Does the President think about retaliation when he makes those decisions?” 

“Of course he does!” I insist. 

She looks at me for a moment like I’m too naive to believe that myself, but then her expression changes. “What did he -- what’s his name?” 

“Abdul Shareef.” 

“Right. What did he want to do?” she asks. 

“What do you mean?” 

“The President doesn’t just run around assassinating people, why’d he do it?” 

“He had many plans to bomb quite a few American targets.” 

“Where --” 

“It’s not important, Donna.” I say quickly. “He was intercepted and those places are still safe. Donna, there’s a lot I’m not telling you.” 

She looks a me for a long moment, before running her fingers lightly through my hair and kissing my forehead. “When you are Chief of Staff, Josh, these will be your decisions and the consequences will be for you.” 

“Yeah, I’m hoping I won’t ever have to deal with that.” 

“Here’s hoping.” she smiles sadly. I’m not sure how on board she is with all that, but thankfully, that’s not a conversation for now. She runs her thumb gently back and forth over my lips before leaning down and taking them with her own. “I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me that.” she whispers against them. 

The kiss escalates and what little clothes were on between us, slide off quickly. I feel a little unburdened, and I hope this was what the President was talking about. Well, not the sex part, but the bits and pieces to share with my partner, things they say to make me think about something a little differently. Our conversation did remind me that I have a lot of soul searching to do before I make that kind of commitment to Sam. I have a lot of reckoning to do with myself. I’m not sure I could make the decision they did. I guess I say that because I didn’t have to. 

I lose myself in my wife. She allows me to take and take, however much I need. In her arms, I do not feel the stress. I do not feel the looks of what I interpret to be disappointment from my mentor. I can face anything if Donna’s at my side. 

TBC


	24. Substance of Things Hoped For, The

JOSH’S POV 

Our return to the West Wing doesn’t bring near the drama I expected it to. Oh, there was plenty of excitement over the elopement. The news spread faster than anything has there ever, at least while we’ve been there. 

I had no sooner dropped my backpack in my chair after a meeting on the Hill than Toby appeared in my office door. 

“Why is there shrieking in my bullpen?” Toby asks. 

“Shrieking?” 

“High pitched, highly distracting female shrieking. There’s a large female gathering around what I assume is Donna.” he says, as I walk out with him to afternoon senior staff. 

“Ah.” I say simply. Will falls into step with us next. 

“Hey, is it true you and Donna got engaged while you were away?” he asks. 

“I guess technically speaking there might have been an engagement.” I smile. 

“Might have been?” Toby asks. “As in past tense?” 

“Past tense, yes.” 

“What is past tense?” CJ asks joining us outside Leo’s office. 

“Josh and Donna’s engagement.” Will supplies. 

“You got engaged, but now you’re not?” CJ asks cocking her head to the side. “Am I supposed to congratulate you or take Donna out to get rip roaring drunk?” 

“I think congratulations are in order.” I smile. 

“But, you’re not engaged.” Will says. 

“Nope, not anymore.” 

“That leaves...” Toby begins and trails off. 

I smile as the door to Leo’s office swings open. “Boy are YOU in trouble.” Margaret says to me under her breath as she passes me and sits at her desk. 

Inside Leo’s office, I can see the President standing between their connecting doors. “MARRIED!?” he thunders. “I told you to RELAX!” 

“I did relax.” I say with a wicked grin as we all enter and Leo closes the door behind us. “I did a whole lot of relaxing.” 

“Don’t talk about Donna like that.” The President warns me wagging his finger at me. 

“You and Donna got married!?” CJ yelps. 

“Yes, ma’am.” I smile. 

“Well, I’ll be damned.” Toby says sitting back on the couch. “He can be trained.” 

“She’s had him trained for years.” CJ scoffs waving her hand. 

“Sir,” I say turning back to the President. “You told me months ago that I should marry Donna.” 

“Well, yes. But I assumed there’d be an engagement, followed by a large wedding where I could give a toast. Your engagement lasted the length of a flight to Boca!” 

“Oh, not the whole thing, sir.” I smile. “Donna didn’t spring that one on me until after we were at our cruising altitude.” 

“This is Donna’s doing?” the President asked thoughtfully. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Leo, is it true Donna yelled at you so loud the windows shook?” Will asks Leo, who is less than amused. 

“You can easily be replaced.” Leo replies to Will. 

“Sorry, sir.” Will quickly apologizes. He SO doesn’t understand Leo’s dynamic yet. Poor guy. There’s still hazing going on or CJ, Toby, or I might jump in to correct Will’s misconception. 

“My wife comes home tomorrow, Josh. You’ll bring Donna up to the Residence for dinner, so Abbey can congratulate you and I can dole out your punishment.” the President says, giving me his best stern face. 

“I look forward to it, sir.” 

“I have a wedding present for you, Josh.” Leo announces with great bravado and drops a file into my lap. 

“Why do I not like the sounds of this?” I groan. 

“Probably because you have to meet with your ex-girlfriend.” Leo says and I groan. Toby snickers. 

“About?” 

“Amy’s lobbying for the League of Professional Women.” Leo says. “They want face time with the President over the Vicky Hilton thing.” 

“What’s that?” 

“A naval pilot who had an affair with a subordinate male officer, was ordered to stop and didn’t. I’ve got a woman problem.” 

“You’re giving this to ME!?” I yelp. 

“I think you’re the perfect White House guy to have on this.” Leo smirks. 

I look around the room and see NO ONE wanted a piece of this one. “What do we think of this?” I sigh. 

“I don’t want it in the Oval Office.” Leo said. 

“Why not?” 

“She disobeyed an order.” he says simply. 

“It was an order saying who she could love.” CJ shoots back. 

“It’s still an order.” Will jumps in, obviously trying to get brownie points with Leo. 

“And I think we should have the debate.” the President presses. 

“And I think we’re done with you, sir; you’ve heard more of this conversation than I’ve wanted you to. We are having the debate, it’s just not at your level. Thank you.” 

“I’m getting dismissed?” the President asks incredulously. 

“Respectfully, yes.” Leo says. 

The President waves his hand at him and leaves the room. I look over at Toby. “What do you think of it?” 

“I think we invested time and money into training her to fly a warplane, which it turns out she does well, and there aren’t many who do. So, I’m going to go ahead and pick national security over who she sleeps with.” 

“Right on.” CJ says in solidarity. 

“And now I’ve got a woman problem.” I sigh. 

“You’re going to have a bigger one when your wife gets wind of this.” Leo grins. 

“This or my meeting with my ex-girlfriend?” 

“Both.” 

I sigh and stand up as senior staff breaks up. I’m not the slightest bit surprised to find my wife lurking just outside Leo’s office. I smile widely at her as innocently as possible as she falls into step with me. 

“Josh.” she starts. 

“Yes, my love.” 

“Far be it from me to tell you how to do your job...” 

“It’s never been too far from you before.” 

“And I never thought I’d be one to side with any of your ex-girlfriends...” 

“I was hoping this entire thing would have skirted blissfully around you.” 

“It has not.” 

“This I see.” I sigh. She follows me right into my office. I drop the file onto my desk and turn to face her. 

“I think you know what I think about this.” 

“I could hazard a guess.” 

“What if this were us?” 

“This was us, you got transferred.” 

“What if I didn’t?” she asks. “We were faced with this very issue and nobody considered firing us.” 

“That we know of.” 

Her eyes widen. “Leo thought about firing one of us?” 

“I doubt it.” 

“Do you think if I could control who I fall in love with, Joshua, I’d pick you?” she demands with her hands on her hips. 

“I’m a pretty good catch.” I toss back with a shrug as I grab my jacket to head out to meet Amy. The note here from Alex says to meet her at The Bombay Club. 

“That’s besides the point.” 

“I thought that was exactly the point.” 

“Josh!” she stamps her foot for good measure. 

“I’m going to go meet my ex-girlfriend now in public, you don’t have anything to say about that?” 

“You picked me.” 

“You’re damn right I did.” 

“Josh!” 

I step over to her and hook my finger under her chin. “I know what you think about it all.” I say softly. “And it’s filed in my brain under compelling arguments against the dishonorable discharge.” I kiss her lightly on the lips and she smiles at me. 

“I’m much more pleasant than Amy is.” she tosses over her shoulder as she turns and leaves my office. 

“That’s not your only better asset.” I mumble. 

“You pig!” 

Oops. Looks like she heard me. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

JOSH’S POV 

Amy’s waiting at the restaurant for me when I get there. 

“Oh look, you got our table.” I note. 

“I was feeling nostalgic.” Amy replies saucily. I won’t bite. I heard on the Hill that she was dating Tandy again. 

“What the hell is that on your finger?!” she demands grabbing the hand I just waved for the waiter. 

“That would be a wedding band.” I smile. 

“You and Donna?” she asks. 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

“Wow.” she says falling back against her chair. “Well, congratulations.” 

“Thank you.” 

“I didn’t get an invitation.” 

“Neither did the President and he’s quite pissed off.” 

“Hence why you’re here talking to me.” 

“I believe so, yes.” 

“The President can be pretty vindictive.” 

“You have no idea.” 

“I’ve also heard rumors that your job has kicked up a bit on the National Security level.” she says cautiously. “I hear you’re a regular face in the situation room.” 

“I finally learned where Italy was.” I say trying to be evasive, but when I glance away, she’s got me. I can try to deny it all I want, but she and I spent a lot of time together. She knows me pretty well. She never knew me as well as Donna, but she knows my tells. 

“That can probably get pretty rough.” she says, her tone changing. 

“It’s hard to find the balance.” I reply, dropping my tone as well. The last thing I need is some enterprising reporter to hear this conversation. 

“Do you remember the night of Donna’s accident?” 

“I’m not likely to forget it.” 

“I mean before everyone showed up and we went to the hospital.” 

“Sort of.” 

“Before all that happened, I could sense that things weren’t really working with us. You weren’t committed to me.” 

“Amy...” 

“It’s okay, Josh. I’m not going to go into a whole tirade or anything like that. I told you, I’m not some woman that does things. I’m trying to actually tell you something here.” 

“Okay.” 

“I asked you that night if you thought there should be only two people in a relationship.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Well, do you?” 

I don’t think I understand the point she’s trying to make. I must look confused. 

“Josh, there were many people in our relationship, you, me, Donna, the President, the senior staff. And I thought I was fine with that, well, not the Donna part, but I thought that it was okay to share you with so many other people because it was your job. But, Josh, back then, Donna was number one in your cell phone. At a time when you weren’t even dating her, she was number one. My assistant’s number isn’t in my cell. I’m willing to bet now that number two was her home number.” 

She’s right. CJ was number three. I’ve since been able to delete Donna’s home number, since her home is with me and CJ has been bumped up to number two. I honestly don’t remember where Amy was; seven or eight, I think. 

“It was a rather ironic night for me, Josh.” she says. “You were my boyfriend then, and when I drew back that hospital curtain and saw you with Donna, I realized I wanted that. I wanted what you had with her, and you weren’t even together. You are obviously meant to be with her, I know you know that, and I think you knew that then. When I look back at the time we spent together and the conversations we had, and I think about the rumors that used to go around about you two and the way you instantly got defensive...Josh, Donna has balanced you for years. Don’t you get it? The night of the State of Union speech when I was at the White House with John, I saw it that night. It’s her smile you look for when things go right, her hug you want. I saw it a dozen times when we were together, one look from her changes your entire demeanor. Maybe you can’t tell her everything that’s going on in your job, but you don’t need to. She knows you. She loves you.” 

Wow. I don’t remember Amy being this mushy and prophetic when we were together. Did I miss her going on a sabbatical? 

“You’re looking for it so hard, Josh, that you can’t see that you’ve got it already.” she smiles shaking her head. She stands up, picks up her attache case and smiles down at me. “Don’t change a thing, Joshua. I’d never go so far as to call you perfect, but you’re perfect to her and that’s all you need to be.” She leans down, kisses me on the cheek and begins to walk out of the restaurant. 

“What about the thing?” I call out to her. 

“I think you know what I think.” she tosses back and disappears out the front door. 

I watch her for a moment before digging my cell phone out of my pocket and hitting one. Donna picks up almost immediately. 

“Hi.” I can hear her smile into the phone. I envision the smile she’s giving me, the one when I’ve been away from her for a bit and she’s just now seeing me again. I love that smile, it feels like home. 

“Hey.” 

“What’s up?” 

“Nothing.” I say standing up and walking out of the restaurant. “I just wanted to hear your voice.” 

“Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah.” I smile into the phone. “I’m heading home.” 

“Okay. I’ll meet you there.” she says. 

“Hey, Donna.” I say before she can hang up. 

“Yeah?” 

“I love you.” 

She pauses for a minute and I can see her face now. She gets this look on her face when I’m being sweet. “I love you, too, Joshua.” she whispers. 

I snap my cell phone shut and head home. Everything is MORE than okay. 

THE END


End file.
